Major alert: Just a random personal story of mine. Feel free to skip it.

source: unsplash.com

(I am aware of the need to prevent myself from posting a story about good deeds for the doubt of whether I could keep the pure intention of doing something just because of Allah. Bear with me. This post isn't about me showing off a deed, but instead, a contemplation of my recent years' journey).

I finished an i'tikaf (with strict safety protocols, of course) today and was ready to go back when I saw the mosque's keeper bringing mop equipment. Seeing the scene in front of me, I froze. It has been 4 years since the last time I mopped a mosque. Suddenly, there is a strong urge to ask him whether I could do the chore instead. At first, he was in doubt probably because he didn't want to trouble me but I said that I would be happy to do that.

While cleaning up the floor, I reminisced that in the past, I did not agonize over worldly life that much.

Back then, I cared about my worldly life but didn’t let it bother me tremendously. Instead, from time to time, my biggest concern was whether Allah sees me in a good light. Before doing anything, I'd consider whether Allah would be happy knowing the choices I've made. I wanted Allah to love me so I always tried to put Him before anyone/anything. My days partially consisted of sitting in mosques talking to Allah like He's the best friend I trust the most. Then and now, indeed I cried a lot but in lieu of worrying about worldly things, I did because of the realization of the sins I committed yet Allah was still utterly kind to me. The fact that He showered me with a lot of blessings nevertheless my flawed self was heartwarming to the point I promise to pay His favors back by trying to please Him the best I can.

Feeling-wise, I felt content with each day. I appreciated every little thing, good or bad, since I trusted Him with my life.

During these current years, I started to care about worldly life more than ever. I am easily upset whenever Allah gives me a huge trial (regardless of the fact that it's just a worldly tribulation, something previously I wasn't too melancholic about). I started to complain that Allah put a heavy burden on my shoulders because my not-so-wise self didn't think I deserve this. I took the marriage issue to a new whole level of grief. I wept countlessly because I can't ignore the pain even though I always tried to convince myself that I am okay. The biggest source of stress is that my parents don't even give me a break. They tried to bring up the particular topic at every opportunity possible. No matter how much effort I put to be a better person, they always think of me as a failed daughter simply because I haven't married yet¹. A story about me achieving something but marriage isn't good news anymore. They couldn’t be more careless towards my progress of outgrowing myself as long as I am not telling them a nuptial plan. From my side, it is frustrating to be seen as a failure when I've continuously put so much effort to grow. 

As if a woman's worth is fully dependent on whether she's paired up or not.

But today, while mopping the floor, I remember again that after I die, what's asked isn't my marital status but solely my deeds. Am I pious enough? Do I perform good deeds more than the bad ones? Am I patient and content with Allah's decisions? I doubt the full-of-complaints self of mine today would be able to face Allah in a poised manner. I believe the current me don't dare to answer these questions confidently. 

Seeing the reflection on the floor, I asked where is the old iim who smiled a lot and was thankful for her life. Also, rather than worrying about worldly life, I should be more concerned about the hereafter one, right? I should, as before, think that instead of something to complain about, this is my trial--my battle--my struggle to prove my belief and trust in Him. I simply want to be so confident in His decision that I don't anguish over it anymore.

It's 4 A.M., teary, I am standing with newfound strength in me. Alhamdulillah.

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¹I am deeply sorry to my parents that I am an imperfect daughter, with such a tragic fate. For being so pitiful, I am truly sorry.

(I am sorry that my posts these days sound dark. Life isn't all about the rainbows, right?  I just wanted to write my honest feelings that before wasn't my approach to writing. Don't worry. I'll back to my cheerful self soon insyaAllah.)