image source: Maxwell Nelson in unsplash.com

When I was a senior high schooler, I remember almost every cool kid in the school wore Piero shoes (please don’t judge us. In Purworejo at that time, the shoes were a subtle sign you are well off. Hihi). So like every other kid, I asked my parents to buy me one. I mean the pair wasn’t that expensive so it wasn’t too much to ask, right?

However, my parents were against the notion. I couldn’t own the shoes since we didn’t have the luxury to afford them while projecting our future where the children could live well. Coming from a modest background, we needed to do frugal living and save money so that both my brother and I could attend colleges, secure good jobs, and live better than my family did. Because of that long-term mission, we didn’t have the privilege to possess the things we wanted, even the seemingly inexpensive ones. It was frustrating that even the relatively cheap stuff for other people wasn’t affordable for us. Was I finally okay with that? Of course not. For kids at that age, it was totally disappointing. 

For years, I brought the disappointment of not being able to own the “cool” stuff along with my life as I can’t wear beautiful clothes, stylish shoes, bags from popular brands, etc. I basically have to wear the cheaper everything so that the family’s dreams were achievable. What happened next was that I promised myself to live a comfortable life where I can acquire the items I want to have in the future. I worked hard to ensure that I could succeed so the money problem won’t bother me anymore. 

However, when the time has finally come, for example, now that I can purchase the shoes with my own money, surprisingly, I didn’t buy one. Even when I could afford the goods from the more expensive brands, I was still the person who wore relatively cheaper things than what people around me did. Not that I am not interested in the luxurious stuff. Of course, as a human, I like to be clad in branded items. However, the experience of not having the things I wanted has put me into this perspective: I need to be aware of whether I need something or just want it. That the hard-earned money should be spent wisely as I am also grateful for the life I have today. That I need to be patient because, in life,  my dreams may or may not come true.

Seeing it from my current standpoint, the experience I had in the past was what grounded and humbled me. I had walked so far to be here so all I have is to be thankful for the life I have today.  Whenever I feel that my day sucks, I remember all those days when everything seemed so far away. It was such a humbling reminder. 

However, if I have to mention one precious lesson that I learned from that experience is to not judge everything harshly. My past self was upset with my parents even though maybe it was already the best they could do for me. Maybe they already did all they could to support me yet for me it wasn’t enough. Perhaps it was the best experience for the young me to embrace the future yet I was ridiculously ungrateful. So I beg myself to not be too hard on anyone (including me) since maybe they already provided/did the best they could.

If I could go back to the 16 years old self of mine, I would just hug her and tell her not to be upset over this matter. (Hey I can’t stop crying typing this part). The old me who was sad over the trivial things, look at you now. You are fine. You are completely fine. You walked properly in the right direction even without the dream Piero shoes.

So my dear self, even when you couldn’t have something, please remember that everything is still okay. You’ll be fine, as always. 

Love, 

iim