All human wisdom is summed up in these two words, --wait and hope. (The Count of Monte Cristo, Alexandre Dumas)

A few weeks ago, I visited Cockatoo Island with The UNSW’s Postgraduate Council. This island is a UNESCO World Heritage Site formerly operated as a convict penal establishment. On this trip, the participants walked around the historically significant place accompanied by a tour guide. After a short ferry ride from Barangaroo Wharf, we were welcomed by light rain on the site.

While waiting for the tour guide to arrive, the group had lunch together in a coastal restaurant. After finishing my food, I glanced at my watch checking whether it was already prayer time. I approached the trip leader to get her permission to excuse myself for a while.

“Is it okay if I pray for approximately 10 minutes?” I softly spoke beside her.

“Of course.” she put down the pizza in her hand. “Take as much time as you need. We’ll wait.” she smiled.

I immediately thanked her and then went to pray. While walking to the beach to perform ablution, I suddenly felt a strangely vivid feeling. What she said struck a chord in me. Take as much time as you need--how I wish I could tell myself this very sentence every day. Therefore, when someone said those words to me, I got a tad emotional--I wish I was in my room so I can sob. In this convict site, I realized I myself was a convict of my own self-reproach. I internally spoke “dear self who often blames herself for walking too slowly and taking too much time to reach 'places', take as much time as you need.” while patting my shoulder. I very much deserved it after years of self-blaming.  

One of the most relatable quotes for me is Bolin Shijiang’s “The world is so big and I walk slowly. What if I never find what I am looking for?”. Even since I was a child, I noticed that I seemed to "walk" relatively slower than most people. The realization got more intense as now I am pursuing a master’s degree at this age. Almost everyone in my classes was in their early twenties yet shined brightly as if they have had 10 years of work experience. Sometimes it discouraged me that I couldn’t even manage my academic life properly while those youngsters could. It reminded me of many things that come relatively later to me compared to the others. The list is extensive I wouldn’t even try to mention the content. I remember how I grew up as someone who appeared confident outside but timid inside. Truthfully, my constant failure to keep up with the “regular” timeline contributed to turning me into someone who was easily frightened and lacked confidence. 

In a world where people in the fast lane are more appreciated, I confusedly walked with a low velocity. I was drowned in a society where the deadline is tight, the expectation is high, the pace is hurried, and the competition is tough. Therefore, I was forced to rush and be impatient. I felt despair when I haven’t gotten/achieved something while everyone around me has already enjoyed it. It was so discouraging to still wait for my turn to get a piece of cake when everyone has moved on with a bigger slice. I'm worried that I don’t have time to wait anymore--my heart murmured when I was extremely weary. On many occasions, I stared blankly and thought that probably what I wait for would never come. I've already missed the train and there is no other train afterward, or even there is no train for me in the first place--my inner voice convinced me--therefore I am stuck in the same place even though a long period of time has gone by. 

However, what she said that day straighten up my slumped shoulders. The knowledge that I can take all the time I need brings light to my dim heart. I might be left behind in everything based on society’s standards but I have the right to take as much time as I need. It’s totally okay to walk slowly or even intentionally slow down my pace when I need it. No matter how much time I need, I can wait. Even with the broken hope, I am allowed to wait. No matter how long shall I wait, or how slow my pace is, it is always okay.

Love,

iim

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P.S.:

1. When I am writing this post, one of my lecturers sent an email to the students regarding the group creation and his closing sentence was “Please do NOT feel bad if you aren’t yet in a group-- I was picked last throughout my life and I (just about) did ok in the long run! 😊”. God knew I needed to hear additional encouragement. Even as someone who was already a part of a group since the first week, this uplifting message is powerful. Tears ran down my face as I know how it feels to be the last. Never underestimate the power of kind and encouraging words. You never know that somewhere, someone really needs to hear that. Thank you, Prof! I adore your kindness from the first time I attended the class.

2. Have you ever read Alexandre Dumas's "The Count of Monte Cristo"? The novel suddenly popped up in my mind when I wanted to write about convicts. Or have you ever read Bolin Shijiang's "Entrust the Rest of My Life to You"? :)