“Di saat rentan hati, ingin rasanya saya pergi mengasingkan diri. Pergi jauh ke sebuah pelukan dan berlabuh di bahu seseorang, tetapi pelukan siapa, bahu siapa?” (“When I was vulnerable, I want to go into exile. Go deep into an embrace and land on someone's shoulder, but whose embrace, whose shoulder?”) - Srimenanti, Joko Pinurbo
Several days ago, a close friend and I visited a place together
with my motorcycle. As our outing came to an end, we made our way back to the parking
area, only to discover it was packed with vehicles, making it challenging
to retrieve mine. Determined, we both exerted considerable effort to navigate
our way out while sharing jokes about how “independent” we are. I later uttered,
“I remember a quite similar moment where I still get emotional when I think about
it,”
“What happened?” She inquired
"One morning, while riding this exact motorcycle to work, I noticed
smoke emanating from its front. Later, when it was time to head home, I
approached a male colleague from my team, seeking reassurance about the safety
of bringing the motorcycle to the repair shop in its current condition--hoping to convince myself
that I would be alright," I narrated, the scene replaying vividly in my
mind.
There was a brief pause as I took a deep breath, "Instead of
offering me the assurance I sought, he said, 'Just ask a man for help. What's
so impossible about it? You don't have to handle everything on your own.'"
The floodgates of mixed emotions surged within me. “I ended up seeking
assistance while battling to hold back tears. Truthfully, I don’t want to be
this ‘independent’, I just don’t have the luxury to rely on someone,” I noticed
that the smile I offered is broken.
“Same as today. It’s not that we are inherently strong, just we
don’t have options. That’s what you meant?” She tried to read the direction of
my story.
I nodded. Truth is, there are times when I wished to rely on someone, putting down the burden of making difficult decisions or performing strenuous tasks. There have been days in my life when I yearned for a break from the constant need to engage my mind fully. There have been instances where I wanted to mindlessly follow someone else, trusting that he would lead me to the right path. I secretly longed for moments when I could surrender to a sense of ease, knowing that someone would take care of things for me.
As someone who always thought that nobody is willing to be her
place to lean on, sometimes, I desired the freedom to be weak and
vulnerable. There were also tiny moments when I hope I can let go of the worries and
responsibilities. Therefore, I would highly appreciate the moments when I am
allowed to not have all the answers as someone else would be there to figure
things out alongside me. Therefore, I just smiled when people say that I am a strong independent woman. Sorry to burst your bubble but that's not necessarily true.
Life has taught me resilience, nurturing independence born out of necessity. From time to time, I consoled myself with the knowledge that, despite the difficulties, I possessed the strength to navigate life. And perhaps, in an unexpected encounter, I may stumble upon someone’s shoulder. Until that, I will remain steadfast, honoring both my fragility and strength. Because, just as Joko Pinurbo also mentioned in Srimenanti: Namun, bagaimanapun saya mencintai hidup ini. (However, no matter how it is, I love this life).
I will try to always love this fate.
Love,
iim
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(Amor Fati is translated as a love of fate.)
image source: John Nature Photos at Pixabay
