Yesterday, I texted my close friend a rather serious question which was unusual in the middle of our daily chatter. Seemingly out of blue, I said, “How do you deal with insecurities?”. Actually, it sounded random but deep down I knew she knew something I’m familiar with (once again) happened to me. I put my phone down for a while, expected her to write a long piece of advice about either growing better or accepting myself the way I am. However, what I heard later made my heart frantically trembling. Coming from a place where she completely understood where my insecurities began, she answered: Regarding it, I see it from a different perspective. It’s not that you need to work harder. Instead, I saw you worked too hard on it to the point it hurts me to see you being neglected and undervalued.

As a long-time friend who closely saw me several times being taken for granted yet always do a self-blaming action, she said that I need to stop being too harsh on myself. That what I did is more than enough. That I am too invested in something until I can’t see everything around it clearly anymore. That I need to stop being emotionally attached to it when all I got is being belittled. That I need to know when to stop and walk away from something that doesn’t make me happy. 

That I need to love myself more to choose a place where my effort is properly cherished.

As if time stopped, my mind went blank. A realization hit me right in the center of my heart. I expected her to say “Be patient,” or “It’s okay,” but all I got is an understanding that all this time, I treated myself badly. Here and there, I didn’t stop when I was underappreciated. Instead, I accused myself that I showed poor performance, didn’t deserved better, or hadn’t worked hard enough. From time to time, I am left behind feeling insecure about myself: maybe I am not good enough, maybe I am not perceived as someone capable, maybe I need to work harder so my effort could be recognized, maybe I am just an insignificant supporting role, maybe I am just being too demanding about respectfulness, and so on.

“It’s like when someone cheats on us then we blame ourselves and insist that something must be wrong with us. Even though it’s definitely the other party’s mistake, we keep blaming ourselves that we must be greatly lacking in something that someone cheats on us,” She added an analogy to this particular case. 

It’s true that I always blame myself when something goes off even after I’ve put all my effort and mind into it. I never realized that it’s not that I haven’t worked hard enough so people couldn’t appreciate me. It’s just easy-peasy to get me to work on something so people think there is not much going behind the work. It’s just the work done by me seems unimportant and uncomplicated so it naturally is taken for granted. It’s just I always earnestly do something as if I just automatically work so people think there is no need to be thankful for it. It’s just I am seen as someone who doesn’t demand anything so they would provide me nothing, even just an appreciation.

When we feel insecure, most of the time, it’s not that we are substantially deficient. Almost all insecurities come from us who couldn’t love ourselves generously. Often they come from our poor understanding of our value and life itself. That in life, nobody has everything to feel perfectly secure so why don’t we embrace our weaknesses and flaws. That in life, some people and things simply aren’t for you, so why don’t you move away?

Simply said, how do you deal with insecurities? Love yourself more, dear. Love yourself more.