source: searchenginejournal.com

Mungkin jarang sekali terucap tetapi saya punya ketertarikan yang besar terhadap isu pemberdayaan perempuan. (Tentu saya bukan ahli untuk berbicara hal ini melainkan hanya seseorang biasa yang memiliki perhatian khusus terhadapnya). Tumbuh di tengah konstruksi sosial yang mengharuskan kaum hawa berusaha lebih banyak ketimbang kaum adam untuk meraih sesuatu, saya sadar perlunya untuk peduli pada isu tersebut. Selain itu, bekerja di dunia yang didominasi laki-laki membuat saya memahami pentingnya menjadi jangkar dalam meningkatkan kepedulian orang-orang terhadap topik ini. Ditambah lagi, organisasi tempat saya bekerja juga secara serius mencurahkan perhatian terhadap pengarusutamaan gender (PUG) sehingga isu ini menjadi semakin dekat dengan saya.

Major alert: Just a random personal story of mine. Feel free to skip it.

source: unsplash.com

(I am aware of the need to prevent myself from posting a story about good deeds for the doubt of whether I could keep the pure intention of doing something just because of Allah. Bear with me. This post isn't about me showing off a deed, but instead, a contemplation of my recent years' journey).

I finished an i'tikaf (with strict safety protocols, of course) today and was ready to go back when I saw the mosque's keeper bringing mop equipment. Seeing the scene in front of me, I froze. It has been 4 years since the last time I mopped a mosque. Suddenly, there is a strong urge to ask him whether I could do the chore instead. At first, he was in doubt probably because he didn't want to trouble me but I said that I would be happy to do that.

While cleaning up the floor, I reminisced that in the past, I did not agonize over worldly life that much.

Back then, I cared about my worldly life but didn’t let it bother me tremendously. Instead, from time to time, my biggest concern was whether Allah sees me in a good light. Before doing anything, I'd consider whether Allah would be happy knowing the choices I've made. I wanted Allah to love me so I always tried to put Him before anyone/anything. My days partially consisted of sitting in mosques talking to Allah like He's the best friend I trust the most. Then and now, indeed I cried a lot but in lieu of worrying about worldly things, I did because of the realization of the sins I committed yet Allah was still utterly kind to me. The fact that He showered me with a lot of blessings nevertheless my flawed self was heartwarming to the point I promise to pay His favors back by trying to please Him the best I can.

Feeling-wise, I felt content with each day. I appreciated every little thing, good or bad, since I trusted Him with my life.

During these current years, I started to care about worldly life more than ever. I am easily upset whenever Allah gives me a huge trial (regardless of the fact that it's just a worldly tribulation, something previously I wasn't too melancholic about). I started to complain that Allah put a heavy burden on my shoulders because my not-so-wise self didn't think I deserve this. I took the marriage issue to a new whole level of grief. I wept countlessly because I can't ignore the pain even though I always tried to convince myself that I am okay. The biggest source of stress is that my parents don't even give me a break. They tried to bring up the particular topic at every opportunity possible. No matter how much effort I put to be a better person, they always think of me as a failed daughter simply because I haven't married yet¹. A story about me achieving something but marriage isn't good news anymore. They couldn’t be more careless towards my progress of outgrowing myself as long as I am not telling them a nuptial plan. From my side, it is frustrating to be seen as a failure when I've continuously put so much effort to grow. 

As if a woman's worth is fully dependent on whether she's paired up or not.

But today, while mopping the floor, I remember again that after I die, what's asked isn't my marital status but solely my deeds. Am I pious enough? Do I perform good deeds more than the bad ones? Am I patient and content with Allah's decisions? I doubt the full-of-complaints self of mine today would be able to face Allah in a poised manner. I believe the current me don't dare to answer these questions confidently. 

Seeing the reflection on the floor, I asked where is the old iim who smiled a lot and was thankful for her life. Also, rather than worrying about worldly life, I should be more concerned about the hereafter one, right? I should, as before, think that instead of something to complain about, this is my trial--my battle--my struggle to prove my belief and trust in Him. I simply want to be so confident in His decision that I don't anguish over it anymore.

It's 4 A.M., teary, I am standing with newfound strength in me. Alhamdulillah.

----

¹I am deeply sorry to my parents that I am an imperfect daughter, with such a tragic fate. For being so pitiful, I am truly sorry.

(I am sorry that my posts these days sound dark. Life isn't all about the rainbows, right?  I just wanted to write my honest feelings that before wasn't my approach to writing. Don't worry. I'll back to my cheerful self soon insyaAllah.)