Major alert: Just a random personal story of mine. Feel free to skip it.
(I am aware of the need to
prevent myself from posting a story about good deeds for the doubt of whether I
could keep the pure intention of doing something just because of Allah. Bear
with me. This post isn't about me showing off a deed, but instead, a contemplation
of my recent years' journey).
I finished an i'tikaf
(with strict safety protocols, of course) today and was ready to go back when I saw
the mosque's keeper bringing mop equipment. Seeing the scene in front of me, I
froze. It has been 4 years since the last time I mopped a mosque. Suddenly,
there is a strong urge to ask him whether I could do the chore instead. At
first, he was in doubt probably because he didn't want to trouble me but I said
that I would be happy to do that.
While cleaning up the
floor, I reminisced that in the past, I did not agonize over worldly
life that much.
Back then, I
cared about my worldly life but didn’t let it bother me tremendously. Instead, from time to time, my biggest concern was whether Allah
sees me in a good light. Before doing anything, I'd consider whether Allah
would be happy knowing the choices I've made. I wanted Allah to love me so I
always tried to put Him before anyone/anything. My days partially consisted of
sitting in mosques talking to Allah like He's the best friend I trust the most.
Then and now, indeed I cried a lot but in lieu of worrying about worldly
things, I did because of the realization of the sins I committed yet Allah was
still utterly kind to me. The fact that He showered me with a lot of blessings nevertheless
my flawed self was heartwarming to the point I promise to pay His favors back
by trying to please Him the best I can.
Feeling-wise, I felt
content with each day. I appreciated every little thing, good or bad,
since I trusted Him with my life.
During these current
years, I started to care about worldly life more than ever. I am easily upset whenever Allah gives me a huge trial (regardless
of the fact that it's just a worldly tribulation, something previously I wasn't too
melancholic about). I started to complain that Allah put a heavy burden
on my shoulders because my not-so-wise self didn't think I deserve this. I took
the marriage issue to a new whole level of grief. I wept countlessly because I
can't ignore the pain even though I always tried to convince myself that I am
okay. The biggest source of stress is that my parents don't even give me a
break. They tried to bring up the particular topic at every opportunity
possible. No matter how much effort I put to be a better person, they always
think of me as a failed daughter simply because I haven't married yet1. A story about me achieving something
but marriage isn't good news anymore. They couldn’t be more careless towards my
progress of outgrowing myself as long as I am not telling them a nuptial plan. From my side, it is frustrating to be seen as a failure when I've continuously put so much effort to grow.
As if a woman's
worth is fully dependent on whether she's paired up or not.
But today, while mopping
the floor, I remember again that after I die, what's asked isn't my marital
status but solely my deeds. Am I pious enough? Do I perform good deeds more than the
bad ones? Am I patient and content with Allah's decisions? I doubt the full-of-complaints self of mine today would be able to face Allah in a poised manner. I believe the
current me don't dare to answer these questions confidently.
Seeing the reflection on
the floor, I asked where is the old iim who smiled a lot and was thankful for
her life. Also, rather than worrying about worldly life, I should be more
concerned about the hereafter one, right? I should, as before, think
that instead of something to complain about, this is my trial--my battle--my
struggle to prove my belief and trust in Him. I simply want to be so
confident in His decision that I don't anguish over it anymore.
It's 4 A.M., teary, I am
standing with newfound strength in me. Alhamdulillah.
----
1I am deeply sorry to my parents that I am an imperfect daughter,
with such a tragic fate. For being so pitiful, I am truly sorry.
(I am sorry that my posts
these days sound dark. Life isn't all about the rainbows, right? I
just wanted to write my honest feelings that before wasn't my approach to
writing. Don't worry. I'll back to my cheerful self soon insyaAllah.)