There is a conversation that remains etched in my mind, forever altering my perspectives and reshaping the way I perceive contributions to society. That one dialogue shifted the lens through which I viewed my role as a civil servant, transforming my understanding of how I can make an impact beyond my office work. This conversation rekindled a sense of responsibility and ignited an aspiration to create something that potentially holds meaning--at least from my perspective.

As a civil servant, it's almost natural to limit my perception of contribution to the tasks I perform within the walls of my workplace. However, a conversation with a close friend unveiled a new dimension of it that resonated deeply with me. 

"But rarely did we realize, we are essentially being paid by the citizens, not merely the government," my friend shared. "Hence, our contributions shouldn't be confined to our office tasks alone. If there's more we can do – like creating informative content or sharing our knowledge – those actions too are valuable contributions."

That conversation was a revelation, prompting me to reconsider doing more than I’ve done.

With newfound realization, I embarked on a journey to create a program that would serve as a (hopefully) educational platform focused on internal auditing and IT auditing. Yet, the path was far from straightforward. Doubts loomed over me like dark clouds: Was I skilled enough? Could I consistently present in front of a camera? Did my equipment meet the standards? Would anyone find my content useful, let alone watch it?

Yet, I recognized a pattern. Many of my steps began amidst the shadow of doubts. And I understood that the key was not to eliminate doubt entirely but to persist despite its presence. As long as my actions aligned with a perceived value and usefulness, I was determined to push forward.

So, today, I present #bicaraaudit – the realization of my long-nurtured aspiration. Through this program, I hope to become a companion in your journey of learning about internal auditing and IT auditing. The dream, once limited to thoughts, now breathes life through this initiative.

The first episode kicks off with an exploration of the Certified Internal Auditor (CIA) certification. I delve into its benefits and ponder whether the effort invested in obtaining it truly pays off. But this is only the beginning. Starting this week, please anticipate new episodes every Thursday at 09.00 WIB. Your feedback, thoughts, and inquiries are invaluable to me. I wholeheartedly invite you to engage by sharing your insights in the comments section.

I am looking forward to having more discussions with you all.

Love,

iim

For some time now, I've been deeply conscious of the impact of digital transformation in today's world. In an era where it is hailed as the key to organizational success, I have witnessed some organizations getting lost and confused on this transformative journey. Often, digital transformation is misinterpreted as merely implementing the latest tools and technologies. It could end up looking like a race not to be left behind, a haphazard move to showcase innovation, or an imprudent change to incorporate technology without considering the bigger picture.

The consequence of this "technology-first" mindset is a misalignment between the technology and the organization's overall vision. This can lead to wasteful investments, subpar user experiences, and ultimately, a failure to realize the true potential of digital transformation and derive the true value of the efforts.

Feeling concerned about this trend, I decided to address the issue in my blog through a dedicated column called #sensibletech. In these blog posts, I shared my perspective on the thoughtful implementation of technology, particularly within organizations. It felt like a good starting point until a friend made a thought-provoking suggestion:

"If you really care about it," she said, "as I believe that people don't read that much anymore, you should consider disseminating your thoughts through a medium that is widely consumed nowadays - video."

I stared at the wall in front of me as her words struck me deeply. As someone who finds comfort in writing, I had been hesitant to step into the world of audio-visual content creation. While I have occasionally spoken at seminars and videos, expressing my thoughts through written text has always been my go-to option. But my friend was right; to expand my reach and educate more people on this crucial topic, I needed to embrace a new medium.

Yet, doubts and questions flooded my mind. Was I technically and non-technically capable enough to host a podcast? Who is willing to be the guests? Did I enjoy being on camera enough to do it regularly? Could I handle the challenges that might arise in the future? Could I manage the entire process, from recording to editing, with my current capacity? Ultimately, will people watch it?

Fortunately, during my time at university, I encountered two kind souls who offered unwavering encouragement. Their advice was simple yet profound: "Start small," "Use the gear you have now and upgrade later," "I'll be your first guest if you need one," "Even if you don't have access to guests, you can do a monologue,", "Don't worry that much about whether the program will have viewers or not", and so on.

I realized that sometimes, all you need to find the courage is the support and push from people who believe in you and offer their unwavering support.

And so, here I am, presenting "Kenal Digital". With this program, my goal is to introduce a more thoughtful and strategic approach to digital transformation. I hope that the insights shared in this podcast lay the foundation for a careful and mindful digital transformation journey, where technology aligns harmoniously with the broader business strategy and even the broader system necessity. I believe that digital transformation is not a one-size-fits-all solution, but rather a tailored and customized expedition that enables companies to harness the true power of technology while staying true to their core values.

With gratitude and excitement, I present to you the first episode of "Kenal Digital." I hope you enjoy it.

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image source: CDD20 @ Pixabay

“Di saat rentan hati, ingin rasanya saya pergi mengasingkan diri. Pergi jauh ke sebuah pelukan dan berlabuh di bahu seseorang, tetapi pelukan siapa, bahu siapa?” (“When I was vulnerable, I want to go into exile. Go deep into an embrace and land on someone's shoulder, but whose embrace, whose shoulder?”) - Srimenanti, Joko Pinurbo

Several days ago, a close friend and I visited a place together with my motorcycle. As our outing came to an end, we made our way back to the parking area, only to discover it was packed with vehicles, making it challenging to retrieve mine. Determined, we both exerted considerable effort to navigate our way out while sharing jokes about how “independent” we are. I later uttered, “I remember a quite similar moment where I still get emotional when I think about it,”

“What happened?” She inquired

"One morning, while riding this exact motorcycle to work, I noticed smoke emanating from its front. Later, when it was time to head home, I approached a male colleague from my team, seeking reassurance about the safety of bringing the motorcycle to the repair shop in its current condition--hoping to convince myself that I would be alright," I narrated, the scene replaying vividly in my mind.

There was a brief pause as I took a deep breath, "Instead of offering me the assurance I sought, he said, 'Just ask a man for help. What's so impossible about it? You don't have to handle everything on your own.'"

The floodgates of mixed emotions surged within me. “I ended up seeking assistance while battling to hold back tears. Truthfully, I don’t want to be this ‘independent’, I just don’t have the luxury to rely on someone,” I noticed that the smile I offered is broken.

“Same as today. It’s not that we are inherently strong, just we don’t have options. That’s what you meant?” She tried to read the direction of my story.

I nodded. Truth is, there are times when I wished to rely on someone, putting down the burden of making difficult decisions or performing strenuous tasks. There have been days in my life when I yearned for a break from the constant need to engage my mind fully. There have been instances where I wanted to mindlessly follow someone else, trusting that he would lead me to the right path. I secretly longed for moments when I could surrender to a sense of ease, knowing that someone would take care of things for me.

As someone who always thought that nobody is willing to be her place to lean on, sometimes, I desired the freedom to be weak and vulnerable. There were also tiny moments when I hope I can let go of the worries and responsibilities. Therefore, I would highly appreciate the moments when I am allowed to not have all the answers as someone else would be there to figure things out alongside me. Therefore, I just smiled when people say that I am a strong independent woman. Sorry to burst your bubble but that's not necessarily true.

Life has taught me resilience, nurturing independence born out of necessity. From time to time, I consoled myself with the knowledge that, despite the difficulties, I possessed the strength to navigate life. And perhaps, in an unexpected encounter, I may stumble upon someone’s shoulder. Until that, I will remain steadfast, honoring both my fragility and strength. Because, just as Joko Pinurbo also mentioned in Srimenanti: Namun, bagaimanapun saya mencintai hidup ini. (However, no matter how it is, I love this life). 

I will try to always love this fate.

Love,

iim

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(Amor Fati is translated as a love of fate.)

image source: John Nature Photos at Pixabay

Have I mentioned that one of my secret favorite things to do is blog walking? There’s something captivating about strolling through the depths of someone’s (even stranger’s) mind. A personal blog, in my opinion, offers a window into the intricate complexities of an individual’s train of thought. What a great thing it is to have access to someone’s mind by reading their posts.  

Recently, I revisited one blog that stuck in my mind even after years of reading it. I decided to delve into the posts that I hadn’t explored yet. After wandering around, one particular entry gripped me in its emotional embrace. I didn’t close the tab after I finished it as I was captivated by the poetic expressions that totally describe my feelings:

“As I willed myself not to cry, I realized I was probably too soft for this city. And that I should probably drink more water…. And, yet, I’m too hard for other cities. I can’t seem to find the right fit.” (I Am Too Soft for This City, Generation Meh)

For years, I found it difficult to express my confusion about the fit living space for me and then the author squeezed my struggle in just 4 sentences.  It was as if the post had eloquently captured my perplexity regarding finding a suitable place to call home. These sentiments mirrored the conversations I had with my friends, where I expressed the struggle in discovering a sense of comfort in my current residence, Jakarta.

Navigating the capital city, in my opinion, demand a high-level resilience and a strong-as-stone heart. Someone with delicate feelings like me often can only cry for what I and other people in this full-of-inequalities-and-unfairness city have to go through. I am aware of how overwhelmingly tiring it is to breathe in this bustling, fast-paced urban environment while being sensitive like me. It’s a metropolis with relentless demand and perpetual motion that will leave anyone behind unless they run. Yet, here is the land that offers the most opportunities and growth--stuff that I recognize as necessary.

“And that I should probably drink more water.”, the author wittily continued expressing their feeling towards the city. It’s a beautiful metaphor that in this kind of city, we need to take care of our well-being more. Indeed, I need to stop ignoring the importance of physical and mental well-being, even when I live in a stressful city.

On the other hand, some cities exude a gentler aura, embracing me with warmth. I find comfort in slow peaceful living but after months, I would find myself feeling out of place. I seemed can’t fully integrate my aspiration of having a meaningful impact with this softer lifestyle. There is a reluctant nod from me because turned out “Yet, I’m too hard for other cities” also fits my situation.

Then I remember an old piece of advice my dad said to my mom: “No matter where we go, there is always a neighbor we can’t genuinely get along well with or something that we couldn’t completely accept. The Prophet in the hadith had discussed this as well so let’s be grateful for where we live.”.   

While I acknowledged the truth in that advice, I still wish I can find the environment that fits me the most. I know this constant search for the right place leaves me disheartened at times. However, I hope that someday, I will stumble upon a city that balances growth and tenderness. I pray that one day I can find my rightful place in this vast world--the perfect equilibrium between my inner world and the external environment. Though the path may be uncertain, I believe that there is a city out there, a home out there, that provides me with the harmony I seek. I believe someday I will find it. 

Oh wait, perhaps I had found it...

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(For now, I will try to enjoy Jakarta.)

image source: Ahmad Basyar on Pixabay

In my previous blog post titled "Why Didn't I Defend Myself", I shared the painful experience of being unjustly accused by a colleague's wife of attempting to steal her husband. I kept silent all the time until that blog post--an effort to document my healing journey from such a heartless act. I thought I had finally done with the horrible treatments until recently I once again received a message telling me to stay away. I had blocked her husband’s number, and never ever interacted again since that accusation was being thrown at me, and I was not even physically in the same country with him so it was perplexing why I was being bothered again. And what made me go back to the disappointment loop is the knowledge that she had reached out to my friends and colleagues--accusing me while shedding tears.

If someone’s wife tearfully tells you that a woman is trying to steal her husband, I believe it is difficult for us to not sympathize and incline to take sides with her, isn’t it?  

This kind of question reminds me of a story that sticks in my memory--a great reminder to never judge solely based on someone’s silence or speech. I have a good friend who was accused of pestering someone even when that someone already rejected him. Naturally, everyone believed these claims and viewed my friend in a negative light. In the middle of unpleasant words about him, after long thoughts, I told him, “I know you are a good person and I want to give you the benefit of the doubt. It would be useful if you can tell me your side of the story but even if you are never ready for that, know that I am always your friend,”

He thanked me but chose not to explain further, simply saying, “I will let you know someday,”. It indeed took him months to finally be able to open up about his experience. One day, he sat across me, exhaustion evident on his face, telling me that he quietly struggled of finding a way to cope with a rumor that was being spread by the other party. He revealed that he had been visiting a psychologist every week until he arrived at a point where telling the story didn’t shatter him anymore. (As evidence, he also showed me the letter from the psychologist).

“Instead, it was me who was being harassed,” his voice soft and trembling. “I was a victim of sexual harassment. It wasn't me pestering, just demanding an explanation. I know it is hard to process this information and believe it--especially when it comes from a man. But, that is my side of the story. It is okay if you don’t believe me,”

His voice shook me to the core, and I vividly remember his reddened eyes that simultaneously conveyed strength and vulnerability. His shoulders rose and fell visibly, as though all his efforts were insufficient to articulate his thoughts, as though he could crumble at any moment. I can see that even breathing wasn’t easy for him while brokenly smiling. Seeing that kind of smile, everyone, broke my heart every time without fail.

Holding back my tears, a profound realization washed over me. In this world, we easily empathize with those who openly display their pain and tears. But what about those who silently weep, bearing their burdens in private? What about those who seek healing in silence while the accusers are loud and relentless? What about the hearts that quietly suffer as if they will die from the pains but still act calm and collected?

That day, once again I learned that sometimes, truth could be quiet and lies could be loud. That very moment, I made a solemn promise to myself that, even in times when my mind is clouded and judgment is easy, I would do my utmost to seek understanding from all parties involved. That is because I understood firsthand how it feels when people do not try to find my side of the story. Because I know how it feels when I’ve explained and nobody doesn’t really consider my perspective. Because I know how frustrating it can be when the people that I consider friends and colleagues stay quiet about what happened to me.

I took any steps further--even when the distance was already far. I backed off from the place where that someone's husband and I worked together because I am so done with all the dramas. Enough is enough. You can try to bring me down but know that Allah is watching. You can accuse me of anything but know that His angels record anything. And for the people that didn’t try to seek understanding from both sides or didn’t try to help when they have the opportunity to clarify, I am so sorry.

I am sorry that you could do better but decided not to. I am sorry that you could help someone who is being abused but decided to act like the pain she feel was nothing.

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Image by: Thanh Nguyen via Pixabay

For all my life, I went through a lot of heartbreaks. As a daughter, my mom seemed to have favoritism towards her son. If the son couldn’t academically perform well, she would say “It’s okay you don’t necessarily have to be a great student,”. But if the case happened to me, she would say I didn’t study hard enough. That I was not diligent enough.

That I was not enough.

That I probably will never be enough.

In my elementary school, a teacher also exhibited a clear bias towards boys to the point he decided to give a male classmate of mine the top rank although many people’s views suggested that I performed better. I vividly remember the tears streaming down my face as I walked home, burdened by the exhaustion of striving so hard only to face the perception that I would never be sufficient. These experiences served as bitter reminders that life is inherently unfair and while I know that indeed reality plays that way, I wished that I hadn't learned this harsh truth as early as that. I was an innocent young girl who believed that as long as I gave my all, good things will eventually happen to me. However, reality kept slapping my face with hardship after hardship, heartbreak after heartbreak telling me that I will never measure up. I experienced too many heartbreaks that I thought for a long time probably I simply doesn’t deserve love and happiness.

Guess what lyrics I picked as the representation of my life where love and acceptance were perpetually out of my reach?

Hyukoh’s “For me, even love occurs just between other groups of people.”. 

Consequently, I grew into a person of contrasting elements: I smile and laugh a lot even when I feel sad and upset. I appeared cheerful and bright even when fear and insecurity consumed me. I wore a bubbly façade while carrying the weight of heartbreaks and feelings of inadequacy, believing that I wouldn't be accepted unless I take the extra mile in everything. For me, I didn’t dare hope to be loved or cherished, my heart just quietly requested “Please just accept my existence”. I just couldn’t afford to feel rejected while I was struggling to accept myself and the fate I had.

After years of heartbreaks, Sydney which was in my prayers for the last 8 years appeared as a ray of hope into my life. The woman who thought she wouldn’t be chosen for great opportunities was picked among thousands of applicants. I finally know what it feels like to feel wanted after witnessing what happened here and crossing paths with some of the most beautiful souls I've ever met. That there are people who genuinely appreciated and wanted me to have this beautiful life. That I also deserve to wear genuine smiles and be happy.

So thank you Sydney for illuminating my once-dim heart. Thank you for gracing my monotonous dull days with your presence. This time around, thank you for being the beacon of light in my life after enduring the seemingly never-ending cycle of heartbreaks. I rewrote my narrative here as I learned to accept the lasting scars on my soul and moved on. I cherished the strength, resilience, and authenticity I learned throughout the journey. 

I finally learned that I am also worthy of acceptance and happiness. I am no longer feeling unwanted, unchosen, and undeserving. I am saying goodbye to an endless sadness. It took me two decades but I can finally say this: 

I am healed. 

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P.S.: Thank you, Allah.

“AI is going to be one of the defining technologies of our time, and it's really important that we get it right." (Altman, 2023)

Although artificial intelligence (AI) had been around for more than half a century, I noticed that only recently, triggered by ChatGPT’s massive success, the general public started to pay close attention to it. AI has intercepted our daily life long before that (consider recommender systems in online marketplaces or social media platforms) but only in recent years that public conversations do not shy away from it. On my part, I have been very cautious to not give opinions regarding AI until I have enough knowledge. Now I think the conversation around this topic is necessary and timely and I am relatively ready. Therefore, I mustered up my courage to finally write about it.

(Disclaimer: While I have educated myself on the topic, I recognized the possibility that I am unconsciously biased or take less-than-necessary learning. After all, I am just an ordinary tech enthusiast with very limited knowledge so take this post with a grain of salt. I am ready to admit my mistakes on these thoughts if in the future they are proven wrong. I used ChatGPT as an example here not to undervalue thousands of awesome AI products, just as a representative of them.)

These days, Lex Fridman’s interview with Sam Altman (OpenAI CEO) occupied a large chunk of my brain. It is living in my mind rent-free and I have no problem with that. Unless Lex decided to ask me about the rent price, I would not dare to charge him. (LoL my unfunny joke is back!). On a serious note, the interview made me torn apart between wanting AI development to get full support (which sometimes means allowing the development to be highly experimental) and that it should be strictly regulated. I hope AI researchers/practitioners and regulators out there can find the perfect balance of leveraging the maximum possible benefits humanity can generate from AI while upholding the highest ethical principles and the responsibility of creating a better world without disadvantages that outweigh the advantages--including from the most vulnerable people’s perspectives. In a utopian society, I will end my post here because I have done my part of providing a recommendation as mentioned above. But we all know that this complex world of ours does not work that simply. So let me continue.

In recent years, the world is changing so fast right in front of our eyes and AI is one advancement the masses could not take lightly. AI systems have become much more powerful and relatively more reliable, which Sam narrated as “we don’t get mocked that much anymore”. AI used to be severely underestimated but now with recent advancements including GPT, many people even found it potentially “disturbs” mankind. Yes, while AI has created optimism and enthusiasm for many people, the other side of the population is scared and pessimistic about it. Sam himself is both excited and frightened--something that I appreciate because acknowledging both extremes of the benefits and risks is essential especially when the stake is this huge. He furthermore acknowledged that there will never be a completely unbiased version of GPT. What they can do is aim to make it as neutral as possible through RLHF (reinforcement learning from human feedback) and give more control to the people. For that reason, ChatGPT was deployed early to generate human feedback and also give the public more control so that it can be iteratively fine-tuned based on the collective inputs. Another thing I noticed is that GPT4 Technical Report (OpenAI, 2023) listed the possible risks like generating harmful advice or inaccurate information, and what the organization has done to mitigate them.

While definitely, the current AI has not yet “upheld the highest ethical principles and aligned with the best interests of humanity”, we should be a bit relieved that in this critical turning point of human history, people that (seemingly) strive to be balanced and cautious like Sam is in the driving seat. At least, OpenAI people are trying their best to get it right. I want to believe them.

Explainable AI (XAI)

To realize the full potential of AI, it’s important to prioritize alignment with ethical considerations and human values. The concept that I believe is useful to start this journey is explainability or interpretability:  the concept that a machine learning model and its output can be explained in a way that “makes sense” to a human being at an acceptable level (c3, n.d). Salierno (2023) described them as the ability to see inside what’s described as the “black box” of algorithmic decision-making while Miller (2019) defined them as how easily a human being can interpret and understand how the model arrived at a decision or prediction.

In simple words, XAI allows us to see the works between input and output. This is crucial because only through this transparency we can examine and evaluate AI models to ascertain what is influencing their decisions and identify any potential biases or ethics violations.

What is Next

After that, we shall evaluate the AI processes and models including their privacy and security aspects. The data collection and everything in the data life cycle should be transparently communicated to the data owner. The data behind the models should be governed properly mainly to ensure the quality of decisions made and the security aspects of the data. We should also consider how intellectual property would be negatively impacted by AI. Additionally, potential misuse of AI technologies such as deepfake should be mitigated by for example providing a mechanism to confirm the originality of a file (audio/video).

Other concerns that arose are regarding the accountability and regulatory aspects. A decision, even though generated by AI should be able to be held accountable. Therefore, who is accountable should be defined. In addition, regulatory development will probably always be outpaced by AI development. As a consequence, it is important to determine how can we ensure that AI is aligned with regulatory principles. We shall continuously monitor and evaluate AI processes and models, prioritizing the ones that have huge impacts on mankind. 

Closing

While I definitely cheer upon AI development, I also want it to be heavily regulated. At the minimum, I hope that AI models should uphold ethical principles and consider the best interests of humans and the broader systems. I know this balance is kind of difficult to achieve and I recognized all the hard work the AI people have done to achieve it. I am looking forward to a more robust, ethical, and reliable AI. I am optimistic about it.

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Image by rawpixel.com on Freepik

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References:

Altman, S. 2023. "Sam Altman: OpenAI CEO on GPT-4, ChatGPT, and the Future of AI" in Lex Fridman Podcast #367, <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_Guz73e6fw&t=6324s>

c3.ai. n.d. Glossary. accessed at 10 May 2023, <https://c3.ai/glossary/machine-learning/explainability/#:~:text=Explainability%20(also%20referred%20to%20as,being%20at%20an%20acceptable%20level.>

Miller, T. 2017. Explanation in artificial intelligence: Insights from the social sciences. Artificial Intelligence, Vol. 267, page 1038, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.artint.2018.07.007.

OpenAI. 2023. GPT-4 Technical Report. accessed on 10 May 2023, <https://cdn.openai.com/papers/gpt-4.pdf>

Salierno, D. 2023. Explainable AI pulls back the curtain on machine-made decisions. Internal Auditor Magazine February 2023, a publication of The Institute of Internal Auditors

Hi, everyone. How have you been? I wish everyone is doing well and enjoying the season whatever it is, wherever you might be. Recently, I got a message slash *cough* reminder saying, “The month has changed and you haven’t posted something new,”. Alright. Here is this lazy blogger's comeback post 😊

Speaking of seasons, the colder-than-average Australian autumn just started in full-blown --no no I didn’t mean his autumn-like eyes' icy stares, just the season, okay? Please refrain from taking this assumption because I am still trying to find someone who will even stare at me *ugly cry. huhu. *my self-deprecating humor needed to make a comeback as well.

I remember last autumn wasn’t this chill but recently I shivered whenever I stepped outside. A recent morning, I saw my screen display a bone-chilling 5°C while I was waiting for the train. The temperature dropped significantly and I recalled a conversation with a close friend from the previous autumn about how colder temperatures affect our food.

“I used to think this Reply 1988 quote is deep but after I knew how frosty a food can be, the words are Mariana Trench. I mean, I don’t mind eating cold rice in Indonesia but here I feel pitiful of myself when I eat it because it is really that cold. Therefore, ‘I want you to have a warm meal.’ is such an underrated love expression,” I uttered.

At first glance, it might seem like a simple statement, but once I've experienced the biting cold of a meal, it takes on a whole new level of meaning. And the words are even deeper in meaning when you know the story. Let me walk you through it. One of the main characters in Reply 1988 is a young baduk (traditional Korean board game) athlete who traveled frequently for matches. As a consequence, he couldn’t accompany his single dad to have his meals from time to time. One day, when the father cautiously asked for the son’s permission to remarry, he answered his father with a tear-jerking statement,

“Dad… I want you to have a warm meal, even when I’m not here with you. It’s your life, Dad. I want you to be happy.”

source: Reply 1988 PH

(He just wanted someone to take care of his dad. These words pierced my soul. Who cuts onion? Where is my tissue?)

I then remembered my father who "liked" to eat cold rice. My family used to have tough times when I was a child so we couldn’t afford a rice cooker. As a result, he would often eat cold rice, saying that he liked it that way (at that time, I didn’t know that there is a great possibility that it was just an act). Those particular vivid scenes taught me to appreciate what I have and not to complain about food or anything else in life. Even now, I never complained about food because my dad gave me an example to be patient and not complain. However, putting the lessons aside, that memory truly broke my heart. Hence, I worked hard so his life could be a bit easier. I don’t have any option but to put in my entire effort. Struggling is hard but watching my family has a difficult life is even harder. That is how I walked this far. 

I grew up with cold rice to be able to deeply appreciate the warmth. I am aware that warm food is not a luxury everyone can have so I am consciously thankful. I also like when people have warm personalities, warm smiles, and warm words. People who radiate gentle acceptance and understanding can easily touch the inner part of my soul. I am just thankful when people resemble warm blankets in the peak winter--comforting and reassuring.

Dear everyone reading this, I sincerely want you to have a warm meal every day. And what I meant is not just warm meals but also emotional warmth that embraces your hearts. And also, if by any chance you have eased my day, know that this “I found it hard to express my feeling except by writing” woman is deeply grateful.

Lastly, dear my dad, I want you to have a warm meal, even when I'm not there with you.

Love,

Iim

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Image by rawpixel.com on Freepik

image source: intellectualpoint.com

So I am a top scorer? Of course not in football or any sports games. Don’t expect me to be that good in sports because I even still need to find the constant motivation to exercise. Maybe I need an attractive athletic man to be my trainer? *kidding *runnnnn 😊

When this “I don’t know about IT but I want to learn” girl first started working in the said field, she put getting some certifications as her dream. Don’t ask her how can she achieve those goals because for sure she had no clue. She who at that time wasn’t even able to perform operating system installation only know that as long as she put in her earnest effort and attitude, she will eventually end up somewhere better. 

Fast forward to a few days ago, that girl received a certificate of appreciation as the top scorer of the CRISC (Certified in Risk and Information Systems Control) Certification period of July-December 2022 by the ISACA Indonesia Chapter. She remembers taking the exam feeling rather nervous, so far from even imagining that she will achieve the highest mark out of all the Indonesian CRISC aspirants that took the exam in the second half of 2022. She is just grateful.

Through this moment, she reminds herself again an advice given by someone when she started her career in IT.

“You know what’s the most important part of a certification? Not the certificate, not the title, but the knowledge we gained along the way.”. That person also reminded her to pursue certification with righteous intention and an earnest attitude. She should take it seriously by proving that she deserves the acknowledgment of competency. She must truly understand the knowledge and perform her job with qualities accordingly. The certification is merely a recognition of the hard work and dedication a candidate put into the learning process. Instead of focusing solely on passing the exam, she began to approach her studies to truly understand the material. Now, she realized that perhaps this mentality helped her accomplish this achievement.

She was lucky to receive such beautiful advice that shaped the way she approached certifications. Since that day, she knew that exam preparation isn’t about trying to conquer the passing threshold but trying to get as much knowledge as she can. Therefore, she spent countless hours poring over textbooks, discussing with people with the relevant expertise, and reflecting on how the knowledge could enhance her performance--even when passing the exam might not need her to go to that extent.

If she can only share one piece of advice with certification aspirants, she would say “I hope you are obsessed more with getting the knowledge, not the certificate”. Your true value is in the competency, not the certificates. The best part of the journey isn’t the certificate itself but the newfound knowledge and understanding you gained. Therefore, she suggests you approach the exams as an opportunity to better yourself instead of to obtain a new title. Seeing yourself grow and improve as a better person and professional is the real prize. The title, my friends, is just a byproduct. 

Love,

iim

 No matter how harsh the world is, there are people who do not allow it to ruin their gentle compassionate hearts. Tonight, I just witnessed one of them.

(Found this diary entry and think that the realization might be useful to someone else too. I decided to post it with minor editing to keep the people in the story unrevealed.)

I just finished one of my classes this evening when a friend asked for my approval to let another classmate be our teammate. That day the lecturer asked us to form a group and we’ve promised each other to be teammates since the beginning of the term. He directly turned to me when the class ended and dropped the name of someone who wanted to be on the same team as us. Among the students we could pick from, he argued that we needed to get this person into the team. I wondered why he decided to take someone who I considered didn't academically perform well in the class to be a groupmate. However, I respect his decision thus I nodded. Of course, I still had the curiosity while saying “bye and I’ll see you next week” to him when we were almost separated. He was supposed to go to the car park while I’d go to the light rail station when he stopped and said:

“Nur, you know he struggled with English and I don't think his individual assignment mark would be good. Therefore, it's an opportunity for us to raise his mark. I hope you don't mind that we help him," as if could read my mind, he explained something I’d already let go unanswered. "I meant, we can do that while teaching him a bit so that he could understand the material better."

There was a brief silence I can even hear the sound of the wind blowing. The realization hit me. While we weren't necessarily excellent students, we could be a small help to him. After hearing the reason, I don't really mind that.

However, I do really mind about something else. It is about me and how I see the world recently. For the longest time I can remember, my approach to life was to never see it as a competition. If there is someone I need to compete with, it is myself in the previous time. Hence, I don't necessarily mind the mark that much. Even so, I wasn't at the level of "intentionally" working with someone that possibly bring my performance down. I am happy to help people but not at that point if something rather important (like my grade because I have a big responsibility as a scholarship student) is at stake. On top of that, recently I feel that the constant run to catch up with the pace of the hectic world unconsciously made me slightly less considerate and thoughtful. Therefore, hearing that explanation felt like being hit in the head with a hammer.

I nodded once again while uttering, “I appreciate your thoughtful act. Let's help him as much as we can.” and then continued my steps. My brain can’t help but reprocess the conversation with this “government buddy” (how we call each other since we both work for the governments of our respective countries) when I arrived at the station. First and foremost, we are humans. As humans, it would be beautiful if we could be generous in doing virtuous actions by offering genuine support and comfort to other people. Rather than other indicators, being kind is the ultimate "performance". It matters more than the high marks on a university transcript.

In the hurried competitive world we live in, it's easy to forget to exercise kindness so this moment is a reminder to put a great amount of thought and effort into performing kind gestures. I am glad in the way of practicing kindness that always becomes my annual goal, along the line, I witnessed this piece of example from a friend that is so willing to do kind actions. I am grateful that I am once again reminded to get out of my own little world and start committing on make kindness a priority over any achievement in the world.