My phone rang at late night when I almost went to bed. A close friend’s name appeared on the screen. When I picked up the call, I noticed how cautious and stammered she was with her words, contrasted with how cheerful she was whenever we talked. Therefore, I prepared myself for the bad news. There must be something unpleasing she wanted to deliver to me.

“Is there something you might find it difficult to tell me?” after quite a chit-chat, I braced myself to find out the reason for the sudden late at-night, unplanned conversation.

“After I tell you, I hope you don’t feel sad. Just ignore it. I just wanted you to know so you are better informed when you need to make a decision.” Her cautiousness was still there.

She heard my quiet affirmation, then proceed,

“So today a friend just asked me about you because she knew we’re close friends. She forwarded a question she had received from another person about you. That friend said that she was asked about whether you are such a woman….. the type of woman who will snatch somebody’s husband." she paused, "I thought after a year ago his wife harshly accused you and you backed down although you were innocent, everything was finished. Turned out it is still an issue till today and even involved more people.” I can hear her voice shaking, “It hurts me to see you receive such cruelty and you kept quiet. It pains me a lot to witness someone with good intentions like you be treated horribly like this. You should defend yourself and fight back.” This time I found a burning anger in her tone.

There was silence as we both wandered around our minds, trying to understand the situation better. My mind recalled a painful memory of me quietly struggling to face a harrowing accusation from a colleague’s wife. Isn't it funny that this time the accusation was made when I am more than three thousand miles away from my home country and no single communication was made with the man in question? 

I inhaled a deep breath. In this world, there are occasions when you know you are right and you don’t feel like explaining. Also, I am the type of person who tried my best to protect other people’s hearts. As much as I can, I don’t want other people to experience pain. However, after a year battled with how deeply I felt wronged, the false claim didn’t stop. I can feel my hands tremble as this unfair blame even recently made me want to visit a psychologist. I was still intensely wounded by what happened a year ago and hearing that his party escalated this issue, even after such a calm response from me when I totally deserved to be angry, got me teary. However, collecting my composure, I answered,

“I swear by the name of Allah, I never had any intention but communicating about the businesses I found necessary. It also hurts me that this is the payback I got from someone for whom my hard work contributed to his name. You know who got the credit for the work I did,” As if resonated with the pain in my heart, I found my voice trembling.

I hardly swear in the name of Allah because I know how significant a thing is if I decided to do it but this time I swore that I never ever had any hidden intention when I texted him but for the matters I found appropriate. And even after the heartless words I received from his wife and he decided not to step up to clear the air (which means he deliberately slaughtered me), I decided to resign from the organization where we worked together. I gave up on a cause I truly care about just because I needed to cut all the ties and walk away. I sacrificed myself because I wanted to protect other people’s hearts and now this is what I got, even after a year of not communicating at all. (In the end, my resignation wasn’t approved but we never ever communicated again so what’s behind the second round of accusations I received this time?).

“But you know, this allegation might damage your reputation. Some people might hear this but never get a chance to clarify it to you or the people around you.” She was back at urged me to speak up.

“I know where your suggestion came from. I am afraid too that people might give me the wrongful tag. Don’t worry. Allah knows. I know you might find my silence annoyed you. However, let’s face this calmly. While indeed I had many shortcomings and mistakes, I know in this case I am in the right position and Allah knows and that’s enough. May Allah elevate my status due to my patience and silence,” I commented, “Remember that you faced things calmly back then even when you were in despair from the accusation someone threw at you? I grew up watching people around me--my family members, my friends, my co-workers being patient--so this is my turn to be patient too,” When I said those words, I realized how strenuous patience is. Tears fell down.

So why didn’t I defend myself? Of course, when the accusation was first made, I felt a range of emotions--anger, frustration, hurt, and confusion. Not to mention how hurtful it is the second time you heard it from the same person. It is definitely tempting to immediately defend myself and try to prove my innocence but I believed that accusations do not necessarily equal guilt. I stayed silent and was patient because I had nothing to hide. I also believed that time would reveal the truth. I knew that if I were innocent, the facts would speak for themselves, and by remaining silent, I was allowing the truth to come to light. It is definitely not an easy decision. It required a lot of self-control and a lot of trust in the process. However, I know that as long as I did nothing wrong, no matter what accusation was being pointed at me, I still have confidence in myself.

It took me a lot of courage to write this since the memory itself gave me enormous trauma. Even typing this post created pools of tears in my eyes. I eventually decided to write this down because, after a year of acceptance, the issue got escalated by that party. I need to write this to help me to heal from the pain I haven’t even healed yet and now is being worsened.

My friends said he owe me a massive apology but I don’t wait for an apology anymore. I want to find a massive courage to forgive anyone that hurt me instead. I want to find inner peace without depending on anyone.

After all, I know Allah knows. For me, it is enough. It is always enough.

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Image by: Thanh Nguyen via Pixabay