For all my life, I went through a lot of heartbreaks. As a daughter, my mom seemed to have favoritism towards her son. If the son couldn’t academically perform well, she would say “It’s okay you don’t necessarily have to be a great student,”. But if the case happened to me, she would say I didn’t study hard enough. That I was not diligent enough.

That I was not enough.

That I probably will never be enough.

In my elementary school, a teacher also exhibited a clear bias towards boys to the point he decided to give a male classmate of mine the top rank although many people’s views suggested that I performed better. I vividly remember the tears streaming down my face as I walked home, burdened by the exhaustion of striving so hard only to face the perception that I would never be sufficient. These experiences served as bitter reminders that life is inherently unfair and while I know that indeed reality plays that way, I wished that I hadn't learned this harsh truth as early as that. I was an innocent young girl who believed that as long as I gave my all, good things will eventually happen to me. However, reality kept slapping my face with hardship after hardship, heartbreak after heartbreak telling me that I will never measure up. I experienced too many heartbreaks that I thought for a long time probably I simply doesn’t deserve love and happiness.

Guess what lyrics I picked as the representation of my life where love and acceptance were perpetually out of my reach?

Hyukoh’s “For me, even love occurs just between other groups of people.”. 

Consequently, I grew into a person of contrasting elements: I smile and laugh a lot even when I feel sad and upset. I appeared cheerful and bright even when fear and insecurity consumed me. I wore a bubbly façade while carrying the weight of heartbreaks and feelings of inadequacy, believing that I wouldn't be accepted unless I take the extra mile in everything. For me, I didn’t dare hope to be loved or cherished, my heart just quietly requested “Please just accept my existence”. I just couldn’t afford to feel rejected while I was struggling to accept myself and the fate I had.

After years of heartbreaks, Sydney which was in my prayers for the last 8 years appeared as a ray of hope into my life. The woman who thought she wouldn’t be chosen for great opportunities was picked among thousands of applicants. I finally know what it feels like to feel wanted after witnessing what happened here and crossing paths with some of the most beautiful souls I've ever met. That there are people who genuinely appreciated and wanted me to have this beautiful life. That I also deserve to wear genuine smiles and be happy.

So thank you Sydney for illuminating my once-dim heart. Thank you for gracing my monotonous dull days with your presence. This time around, thank you for being the beacon of light in my life after enduring the seemingly never-ending cycle of heartbreaks. I rewrote my narrative here as I learned to accept the lasting scars on my soul and moved on. I cherished the strength, resilience, and authenticity I learned throughout the journey. 

I finally learned that I am also worthy of acceptance and happiness. I am no longer feeling unwanted, unchosen, and undeserving. I am saying goodbye to an endless sadness. It took me two decades but I can finally say this: 

I am healed. 

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P.S.: Thank you, Allah.

“AI is going to be one of the defining technologies of our time, and it's really important that we get it right." (Altman, 2023)

Although artificial intelligence (AI) had been around for more than half a century, I noticed that only recently, triggered by ChatGPT’s massive success, the general public started to pay close attention to it. AI has intercepted our daily life long before that (consider recommender systems in online marketplaces or social media platforms) but only in recent years that public conversations do not shy away from it. On my part, I have been very cautious to not give opinions regarding AI until I have enough knowledge. Now I think the conversation around this topic is necessary and timely and I am relatively ready. Therefore, I mustered up my courage to finally write about it.

(Disclaimer: While I have educated myself on the topic, I recognized the possibility that I am unconsciously biased or take less-than-necessary learning. After all, I am just an ordinary tech enthusiast with very limited knowledge so take this post with a grain of salt. I am ready to admit my mistakes on these thoughts if in the future they are proven wrong. I used ChatGPT as an example here not to undervalue thousands of awesome AI products, just as a representative of them.)

These days, Lex Fridman’s interview with Sam Altman (OpenAI CEO) occupied a large chunk of my brain. It is living in my mind rent-free and I have no problem with that. Unless Lex decided to ask me about the rent price, I would not dare to charge him. (LoL my unfunny joke is back!). On a serious note, the interview made me torn apart between wanting AI development to get full support (which sometimes means allowing the development to be highly experimental) and that it should be strictly regulated. I hope AI researchers/practitioners and regulators out there can find the perfect balance of leveraging the maximum possible benefits humanity can generate from AI while upholding the highest ethical principles and the responsibility of creating a better world without disadvantages that outweigh the advantages--including from the most vulnerable people’s perspectives. In a utopian society, I will end my post here because I have done my part of providing a recommendation as mentioned above. But we all know that this complex world of ours does not work that simply. So let me continue.

In recent years, the world is changing so fast right in front of our eyes and AI is one advancement the masses could not take lightly. AI systems have become much more powerful and relatively more reliable, which Sam narrated as “we don’t get mocked that much anymore”. AI used to be severely underestimated but now with recent advancements including GPT, many people even found it potentially “disturbs” mankind. Yes, while AI has created optimism and enthusiasm for many people, the other side of the population is scared and pessimistic about it. Sam himself is both excited and frightened--something that I appreciate because acknowledging both extremes of the benefits and risks is essential especially when the stake is this huge. He furthermore acknowledged that there will never be a completely unbiased version of GPT. What they can do is aim to make it as neutral as possible through RLHF (reinforcement learning from human feedback) and give more control to the people. For that reason, ChatGPT was deployed early to generate human feedback and also give the public more control so that it can be iteratively fine-tuned based on the collective inputs. Another thing I noticed is that GPT4 Technical Report (OpenAI, 2023) listed the possible risks like generating harmful advice or inaccurate information, and what the organization has done to mitigate them.

While definitely, the current AI has not yet “upheld the highest ethical principles and aligned with the best interests of humanity”, we should be a bit relieved that in this critical turning point of human history, people that (seemingly) strive to be balanced and cautious like Sam is in the driving seat. At least, OpenAI people are trying their best to get it right. I want to believe them.

Explainable AI (XAI)

To realize the full potential of AI, it’s important to prioritize alignment with ethical considerations and human values. The concept that I believe is useful to start this journey is explainability or interpretability:  the concept that a machine learning model and its output can be explained in a way that “makes sense” to a human being at an acceptable level (c3, n.d). Salierno (2023) described them as the ability to see inside what’s described as the “black box” of algorithmic decision-making while Miller (2019) defined them as how easily a human being can interpret and understand how the model arrived at a decision or prediction.

In simple words, XAI allows us to see the works between input and output. This is crucial because only through this transparency we can examine and evaluate AI models to ascertain what is influencing their decisions and identify any potential biases or ethics violations.

What is Next

After that, we shall evaluate the AI processes and models including their privacy and security aspects. The data collection and everything in the data life cycle should be transparently communicated to the data owner. The data behind the models should be governed properly mainly to ensure the quality of decisions made and the security aspects of the data. We should also consider how intellectual property would be negatively impacted by AI. Additionally, potential misuse of AI technologies such as deepfake should be mitigated by for example providing a mechanism to confirm the originality of a file (audio/video).

Other concerns that arose are regarding the accountability and regulatory aspects. A decision, even though generated by AI should be able to be held accountable. Therefore, who is accountable should be defined. In addition, regulatory development will probably always be outpaced by AI development. As a consequence, it is important to determine how can we ensure that AI is aligned with regulatory principles. We shall continuously monitor and evaluate AI processes and models, prioritizing the ones that have huge impacts on mankind. 

Closing

While I definitely cheer upon AI development, I also want it to be heavily regulated. At the minimum, I hope that AI models should uphold ethical principles and consider the best interests of humans and the broader systems. I know this balance is kind of difficult to achieve and I recognized all the hard work the AI people have done to achieve it. I am looking forward to a more robust, ethical, and reliable AI. I am optimistic about it.

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Image by rawpixel.com on Freepik

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References:

Altman, S. 2023. "Sam Altman: OpenAI CEO on GPT-4, ChatGPT, and the Future of AI" in Lex Fridman Podcast #367, <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_Guz73e6fw&t=6324s>

c3.ai. n.d. Glossary. accessed at 10 May 2023, <https://c3.ai/glossary/machine-learning/explainability/#:~:text=Explainability%20(also%20referred%20to%20as,being%20at%20an%20acceptable%20level.>

Miller, T. 2017. Explanation in artificial intelligence: Insights from the social sciences. Artificial Intelligence, Vol. 267, page 1038, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.artint.2018.07.007.

OpenAI. 2023. GPT-4 Technical Report. accessed on 10 May 2023, <https://cdn.openai.com/papers/gpt-4.pdf>

Salierno, D. 2023. Explainable AI pulls back the curtain on machine-made decisions. Internal Auditor Magazine February 2023, a publication of The Institute of Internal Auditors

Hi, everyone. How have you been? I wish everyone is doing well and enjoying the season whatever it is, wherever you might be. Recently, I got a message slash *cough* reminder saying, “The month has changed and you haven’t posted something new,”. Alright. Here is this lazy blogger's comeback post 😊

Speaking of seasons, the colder-than-average Australian autumn just started in full-blown --no no I didn’t mean his autumn-like eyes' icy stares, just the season, okay? Please refrain from taking this assumption because I am still trying to find someone who will even stare at me *ugly cry. huhu. *my self-deprecating humor needed to make a comeback as well.

I remember last autumn wasn’t this chill but recently I shivered whenever I stepped outside. A recent morning, I saw my screen display a bone-chilling 5°C while I was waiting for the train. The temperature dropped significantly and I recalled a conversation with a close friend from the previous autumn about how colder temperatures affect our food.

“I used to think this Reply 1988 quote is deep but after I knew how frosty a food can be, the words are Mariana Trench. I mean, I don’t mind eating cold rice in Indonesia but here I feel pitiful of myself when I eat it because it is really that cold. Therefore, ‘I want you to have a warm meal.’ is such an underrated love expression,” I uttered.

At first glance, it might seem like a simple statement, but once I've experienced the biting cold of a meal, it takes on a whole new level of meaning. And the words are even deeper in meaning when you know the story. Let me walk you through it. One of the main characters in Reply 1988 is a young baduk (traditional Korean board game) athlete who traveled frequently for matches. As a consequence, he couldn’t accompany his single dad to have his meals from time to time. One day, when the father cautiously asked for the son’s permission to remarry, he answered his father with a tear-jerking statement,

“Dad… I want you to have a warm meal, even when I’m not here with you. It’s your life, Dad. I want you to be happy.”

source: Reply 1988 PH

(He just wanted someone to take care of his dad. These words pierced my soul. Who cuts onion? Where is my tissue?)

I then remembered my father who "liked" to eat cold rice. My family used to have tough times when I was a child so we couldn’t afford a rice cooker. As a result, he would often eat cold rice, saying that he liked it that way (at that time, I didn’t know that there is a great possibility that it was just an act). Those particular vivid scenes taught me to appreciate what I have and not to complain about food or anything else in life. Even now, I never complained about food because my dad gave me an example to be patient and not complain. However, putting the lessons aside, that memory truly broke my heart. Hence, I worked hard so his life could be a bit easier. I don’t have any option but to put in my entire effort. Struggling is hard but watching my family has a difficult life is even harder. That is how I walked this far. 

I grew up with cold rice to be able to deeply appreciate the warmth. I am aware that warm food is not a luxury everyone can have so I am consciously thankful. I also like when people have warm personalities, warm smiles, and warm words. People who radiate gentle acceptance and understanding can easily touch the inner part of my soul. I am just thankful when people resemble warm blankets in the peak winter--comforting and reassuring.

Dear everyone reading this, I sincerely want you to have a warm meal every day. And what I meant is not just warm meals but also emotional warmth that embraces your hearts. And also, if by any chance you have eased my day, know that this “I found it hard to express my feeling except by writing” woman is deeply grateful.

Lastly, dear my dad, I want you to have a warm meal, even when I'm not there with you.

Love,

Iim

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Image by rawpixel.com on Freepik

image source: intellectualpoint.com

So I am a top scorer? Of course not in football or any sports games. Don’t expect me to be that good in sports because I even still need to find the constant motivation to exercise. Maybe I need an attractive athletic man to be my trainer? *kidding *runnnnn 😊

When this “I don’t know about IT but I want to learn” girl first started working in the said field, she put getting some certifications as her dream. Don’t ask her how can she achieve those goals because for sure she had no clue. She who at that time wasn’t even able to perform operating system installation only know that as long as she put in her earnest effort and attitude, she will eventually end up somewhere better. 

Fast forward to a few days ago, that girl received a certificate of appreciation as the top scorer of the CRISC (Certified in Risk and Information Systems Control) Certification period of July-December 2022 by the ISACA Indonesia Chapter. She remembers taking the exam feeling rather nervous, so far from even imagining that she will achieve the highest mark out of all the Indonesian CRISC aspirants that took the exam in the second half of 2022. She is just grateful.

Through this moment, she reminds herself again an advice given by someone when she started her career in IT.

“You know what’s the most important part of a certification? Not the certificate, not the title, but the knowledge we gained along the way.”. That person also reminded her to pursue certification with righteous intention and an earnest attitude. She should take it seriously by proving that she deserves the acknowledgment of competency. She must truly understand the knowledge and perform her job with qualities accordingly. The certification is merely a recognition of the hard work and dedication a candidate put into the learning process. Instead of focusing solely on passing the exam, she began to approach her studies to truly understand the material. Now, she realized that perhaps this mentality helped her accomplish this achievement.

She was lucky to receive such beautiful advice that shaped the way she approached certifications. Since that day, she knew that exam preparation isn’t about trying to conquer the passing threshold but trying to get as much knowledge as she can. Therefore, she spent countless hours poring over textbooks, discussing with people with the relevant expertise, and reflecting on how the knowledge could enhance her performance--even when passing the exam might not need her to go to that extent.

If she can only share one piece of advice with certification aspirants, she would say “I hope you are obsessed more with getting the knowledge, not the certificate”. Your true value is in the competency, not the certificates. The best part of the journey isn’t the certificate itself but the newfound knowledge and understanding you gained. Therefore, she suggests you approach the exams as an opportunity to better yourself instead of to obtain a new title. Seeing yourself grow and improve as a better person and professional is the real prize. The title, my friends, is just a byproduct. 

Love,

iim