source: pixabay

Aku senang mendengar suara-suara lirih yang nyaris tidak terdengar di perpustakaan. Di antara bunyi-bunyi itu, aku bisa memisahkan alunan jemarimu membalik halaman buku. Aku bisa mengenali ayun matamu yang berdansa dengan aksara. Aku bisa mendengar tulang-tulang rusukmu terangkat ketika menghela udara. Di tengah riuh rendah itu, aku bisa membedakan suaramu ketika kau berbisik menceritakan sesuatu kepada kawan-kawan. Aku juga tak luput menyadari gelak tawa yang dirahasiakan agar petugas perpustakaan tidak menoleh ke arah kalian.

Aku jua mampu mengidentifikasi nada jarimu melangkah di atas papan ketik. Begitulah kau, membaca buku seolah waktu bisa dihentikan lalu menulis selama dua kali lipatnya. Aku berhasrat mengintip puisi yang tengah kau pijarkan melalui sepuluh jari-jarimu. Jadi sajak apa yang tengah berdenyut bersama jantungmu kini?

Irama lirihmu dalam melakukan segala sesuatu di perpustakaan begitu lain. Di tengah kegaduhan yang hampir terdengar hening itu, aku menemukanmu dengan mudahnya. Sementara udara yang dingin tak mampu meredam deru senyummu. Sementara wangi buku seolah memasung sepasang lingkaran matamu dalam dunia yang lain. Sementara larik-larik puisimu tampak tak ingin berbagi pujangganya dengan siapa pun.

Akankah kau datang tepat waktu ke perpustakaan hari ini? Apakah kau masih akan duduk di tempat yang sama seperti biasa? Akankah teman-temanmu akan menyusulmu tigapuluh menit kemudian seperti yang sudah-sudah? Akankah matamu bergerak dengan kelambatan yang sama ketika menelusuri satu per satu kalimat? Apakah jemarimu masih akan sesekali mengambil jeda di atas papan ketik ketika kau tengah berburu kata? Akankah kau melepas kacamata dan mengusap mata dengan cara yang sama?

Aku menemukanmu di sela-sela narasi yang kaukumpulkan. Aku menyelami bersama keingintahuan tentang sajakmu selanjutnya. Sementara sepuluh huruf namamu adalah puisi yang paling ingin aku lantunkan. Kau adalah buku yang ingin aku baca berkali-kali tanpa penghujung. Seperti kau menulis untuk orang lain, aku juga ingin menulis untukmu. Maka bolehkah aku meminjam sedikit senyummu untuk kuselipkan di antara kata-kata yang tengah tersedu itu?

Lalu mengutip Helvy Tiana Rosa, "Bolehkah sekedar kupinjam punggungmu untuk menulis puisi-puisi yang tak henti menangis?"

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(latar: saya rindu menulis cerita fiksi)

It's been a while, hasn't it?

I found myself amidst an intense introspection--contemplating life and expectations. Navigating the labyrinth of human relationships has recently brought me face-to-face with poignant experiences--each a miniature heartbreak from those I hold dear. At this juncture, the weight of expectations and disappointments seems putting dark clouds above me. 

I've always believed in giving my utmost to those around me, investing my heart into every interaction, every relationship, and every connection. I know I have so many shortcomings but I have always tried my best. I put in great effort to be there for others, to support them, and to show them love. It's the way I've always lived my life, and I don't regret it for a second. 

Yet, along the way, in some settings, I can't help but discern a lack of reciprocity.

There have been moments when I couldn't help but wonder if I was receiving the same treatment I gave. Often, I was being left behind questioning if the consideration I extended was returned in kind. It's a bitter pill to swallow, which made me ponder whether I even deserve the care I long for. Again and again, it made me feel that I didn't deserve kind treatment in the first place. (T_T). 

Disappointments have become frequent in this chapter of my life. They often trace back to my expectations of people. I've learned that expecting too much can lead to heartache. Expectations, like delicate glass ornaments on the tree of relationships, are placed with care, hoping they'll enhance the beauty of the bonds I share. Yet, I've noticed that most of the time, I'm the one caring more and putting in more effort. Facing this, I couldn't help but feel down and, at times, even resentful.

Actually, throughout my journey, there have been times when I felt strong and resilient. I've faced life's challenges head-on, and I've overcome many of them. But there have also been those tiny, fragile moments when I yearned for a little extra kindness, understanding, or love and what happened made me think that sometimes I should even beg for people to treat me decently.

Truth is, there were tiny, tiny times when I hoped that I would be treated better.

The reality is that even the strongest among us are only human. We all have vulnerable moments.  Truly, I am just an ordinary human. My heart breaks, and I yearn for genuine treatment. 

To whoever reading this, if I may say something to you: please, please, I beg you, treat people kindly. 

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P.S.: While I recognized the aforementioned heart-breaking moments, it didn't necessarily mean that I failed to notice the kindness people did to me. I truly appreciate the people who treat others carefully and kindly. And I am happy to say that most of the people around me are thoughtful and kind people.

(I've learned to gradually diminish my expectations of people and shift them more towards Allah. I feel so much better.)

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image credit: Mat Reding via pexel.com

There is a conversation that remains etched in my mind, forever altering my perspectives and reshaping the way I perceive contributions to society. That one dialogue shifted the lens through which I viewed my role as a civil servant, transforming my understanding of how I can make an impact beyond my office work. This conversation rekindled a sense of responsibility and ignited an aspiration to create something that potentially holds meaning--at least from my perspective.

As a civil servant, it's almost natural to limit my perception of contribution to the tasks I perform within the walls of my workplace. However, a conversation with a close friend unveiled a new dimension of it that resonated deeply with me. 

"But rarely did we realize, we are essentially being paid by the citizens, not merely the government," my friend shared. "Hence, our contributions shouldn't be confined to our office tasks alone. If there's more we can do – like creating informative content or sharing our knowledge – those actions too are valuable contributions."

That conversation was a revelation, prompting me to reconsider doing more than I’ve done.

With newfound realization, I embarked on a journey to create a program that would serve as a (hopefully) educational platform focused on internal auditing and IT auditing. Yet, the path was far from straightforward. Doubts loomed over me like dark clouds: Was I skilled enough? Could I consistently present in front of a camera? Did my equipment meet the standards? Would anyone find my content useful, let alone watch it?

Yet, I recognized a pattern. Many of my steps began amidst the shadow of doubts. And I understood that the key was not to eliminate doubt entirely but to persist despite its presence. As long as my actions aligned with a perceived value and usefulness, I was determined to push forward.

So, today, I present #bicaraaudit – the realization of my long-nurtured aspiration. Through this program, I hope to become a companion in your journey of learning about internal auditing and IT auditing. The dream, once limited to thoughts, now breathes life through this initiative.

The first episode kicks off with an exploration of the Certified Internal Auditor (CIA) certification. I delve into its benefits and ponder whether the effort invested in obtaining it truly pays off. But this is only the beginning. Starting this week, please anticipate new episodes every Thursday at 09.00 WIB. Your feedback, thoughts, and inquiries are invaluable to me. I wholeheartedly invite you to engage by sharing your insights in the comments section.

I am looking forward to having more discussions with you all.

Love,

iim

For some time now, I've been deeply conscious of the impact of digital transformation in today's world. In an era where it is hailed as the key to organizational success, I have witnessed some organizations getting lost and confused on this transformative journey. Often, digital transformation is misinterpreted as merely implementing the latest tools and technologies. It could end up looking like a race not to be left behind, a haphazard move to showcase innovation, or an imprudent change to incorporate technology without considering the bigger picture.

The consequence of this "technology-first" mindset is a misalignment between the technology and the organization's overall vision. This can lead to wasteful investments, subpar user experiences, and ultimately, a failure to realize the true potential of digital transformation and derive the true value of the efforts.

Feeling concerned about this trend, I decided to address the issue in my blog through a dedicated column called #sensibletech. In these blog posts, I shared my perspective on the thoughtful implementation of technology, particularly within organizations. It felt like a good starting point until a friend made a thought-provoking suggestion:

"If you really care about it," she said, "as I believe that people don't read that much anymore, you should consider disseminating your thoughts through a medium that is widely consumed nowadays - video."

I stared at the wall in front of me as her words struck me deeply. As someone who finds comfort in writing, I had been hesitant to step into the world of audio-visual content creation. While I have occasionally spoken at seminars and videos, expressing my thoughts through written text has always been my go-to option. But my friend was right; to expand my reach and educate more people on this crucial topic, I needed to embrace a new medium.

Yet, doubts and questions flooded my mind. Was I technically and non-technically capable enough to host a podcast? Who is willing to be the guests? Did I enjoy being on camera enough to do it regularly? Could I handle the challenges that might arise in the future? Could I manage the entire process, from recording to editing, with my current capacity? Ultimately, will people watch it?

Fortunately, during my time at university, I encountered two kind souls who offered unwavering encouragement. Their advice was simple yet profound: "Start small," "Use the gear you have now and upgrade later," "I'll be your first guest if you need one," "Even if you don't have access to guests, you can do a monologue,", "Don't worry that much about whether the program will have viewers or not", and so on.

I realized that sometimes, all you need to find the courage is the support and push from people who believe in you and offer their unwavering support.

And so, here I am, presenting "Kenal Digital". With this program, my goal is to introduce a more thoughtful and strategic approach to digital transformation. I hope that the insights shared in this podcast lay the foundation for a careful and mindful digital transformation journey, where technology aligns harmoniously with the broader business strategy and even the broader system necessity. I believe that digital transformation is not a one-size-fits-all solution, but rather a tailored and customized expedition that enables companies to harness the true power of technology while staying true to their core values.

With gratitude and excitement, I present to you the first episode of "Kenal Digital." I hope you enjoy it.

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image source: CDD20 @ Pixabay