I know some of you might furrow your brows while thinking, “seriously she hasn’t moved on from ‘Flight to You’ yet?”. Hihihi. Please don’t judge me, bear with me, and don’t give up on me yet *I can hear you say: sis, you asked for too much :) *can you hear my dumb giggle? hihi. Recently, I found out the translation of the song I mentioned at the beginning of this post and realized that my heart felt warm when I figured out the track’s last lyrics, which are quoted above. I held my breath when the lyrics said, “I want to ask you whether your dream is within your reach now” but what made me lose it was the subsequent words, “I wish you a flight to the vast and bright sky”. I meant the level of subtlety it has got me thinking that any direct love confession for an aviation person couldn’t top this one.

Let me get you the background story. The “you” in this song is a passionate ‘flying-is-my-life’ female pilot he trained. Therefore, ‘I wish you a flight to the vast and bright sky’, both literally and figuratively, had the depth of the Pacific Ocean. He wished her ease in doing the thing she likes (for a pilot, flying to a bright sky indicates an easy-breezy supposed-to-be-safer trip) and also signified his hope about her sunshiny future (as a bright sky connotates peacefulness and happiness).

That brought me to a revelation: subtle expressions, both in words and acts, hold a dear place in my heart.

I know it sounds unconventional as straightforward expressions are considered more effective in communication. However, for me, finding an expression’s hidden meaning, sometimes wandering around extensive interpretation, is alluring. In several instances, I like when emotions, thoughts, and ideas are conveyed in a nuanced way even when denotative speaking is more understandable. Now when I think about it, my inclination toward subtlety might stem from 2 circumstances: my cultural background and my special liking for literature.

I grew up in a culture where people likely deliver their purpose in a vague way, closely accompanied by a grandfather who was enthusiastic about vague expressions in literature. At an early age, I learned wayang (puppet theatre play) and many classical Javanese dramas. In my teenage days, I meandered classical Indonesian literature pieces and continued with modern ones as I grew older. I was enchanted with the beauty of indirect expressions, both spoken and acted, approved by my cultural upbringing.

On the topic of the influence of culture on someone’s way of communication, I couldn’t help mentioning renowned Natsume Soseki’s poetic phrase “The moon is beautiful, isn’t it?”. Based on the explanation I found several years ago (read it here), at that time Soseki as an English teacher overheard his student translating “I love you” literally, which he believed rejected Japanese sensibility and was unfit for Japanese cultural context. Therefore, he pointed out that the expression should be translated to a more subtle, nuanced wording,

月が綺麗ですね (“The moon is beautiful, isn’t it?”).

For years, I couldn’t forget that phrase after uncovering its hidden meaning. Sometimes when I looked above and see the full moon (like tonight when I write this post), I nodded in agreement on why confirming whether the moon is beautiful implies that your heart belongs to someone you share the moon-viewing experience with. Not only that it is a more beautiful lexicon but also it allows deeper, more diverse, and more layered interpretations. Therefore, it offers the readers their own connections to and conclusions about the text. This creates a more immersive emotional experience, as the one hearing the expression more actively engages and participates in the process of understanding it.

The phrase above, for example, could be interpreted as, "actually the moon isn't that beautiful, you are,", “the moon is even prettier because a beautiful soul is by my side looking at the same sky object,”, “What I meant is you’re beautiful”, “What a pleasing night to be in love with someone,”, and so on. The readers can personally interpret it which enriches the meaning. The late Sapardi Djoko Damono, my favorite Indonesian poet, touched on this topic in his ASEAN Literary Festival 2016 interview:

“Poetry is alive because there are various interpretations. If there is only one (interpretation), one-time reading then it's over,” (Sapardi Djoko Damono)

Based on my observation, I agreed with Sapardi’s argument that roundabout expression in poetry makes it more memorable and impactful. The reader needs to pay closer attention to every word and nuance, and is encouraged to have further thoughts and discussions, which lead to a long-lasting impact. After days of understanding the lyrics “I wish you a flight to the vast and bright sky”, the words lingered on my mind and probably will stay there for a long time just like “The moon is beautiful, isn’t it?”. Both made me hold my breath as my heart fluttered. I mean, you can sincerely pray for someone, you can generously praise the moon--but that person needs to figure out that what you mean is “I love you with all my heart”. That kind of expression is beautiful, isn't it?

-------------

*I must applaud the people behind "Flight to You" OSTs as they crafted the lyrics to suit the character's personality. The indirect ways Gu Nanting shows his adoration for Cheng Xiao are even captured in the lyrics. He is definitely the kind of man who stares at you with deep endearment, saying "I wish you a safe flight" and "Your perfect flight is my biggest comfort" while hiding his feelings.

--------------

image source: canva.com

My phone rang at late night when I almost went to bed. A close friend’s name appeared on the screen. When I picked up the call, I noticed how cautious and stammered she was with her words, contrasted with how cheerful she was whenever we talked. Therefore, I prepared myself for the bad news. There must be something unpleasing she wanted to deliver to me.

“Is there something you might find it difficult to tell me?” after quite a chit-chat, I braced myself to find out the reason for the sudden late at-night, unplanned conversation.

“After I tell you, I hope you don’t feel sad. Just ignore it. I just wanted you to know so you are better informed when you need to make a decision.” Her cautiousness was still there.

She heard my quiet affirmation, then proceed,

“So today a friend just asked me about you because she knew we’re close friends. She forwarded a question she had received from another person about you. That friend said that she was asked about whether you are such a woman….. the type of woman who will snatch somebody’s husband." she paused, "I thought after a year ago his wife harshly accused you and you backed down although you were innocent, everything was finished. Turned out it is still an issue till today and even involved more people.” I can hear her voice shaking, “It hurts me to see you receive such cruelty and you kept quiet. It pains me a lot to witness someone with good intentions like you be treated horribly like this. You should defend yourself and fight back.” This time I found a burning anger in her tone.

There was silence as we both wandered around our minds, trying to understand the situation better. My mind recalled a painful memory of me quietly struggling to face a harrowing accusation from a colleague’s wife. Isn't it funny that this time the accusation was made when I am more than three thousand miles away from my home country and no single communication was made with the man in question? 

I inhaled a deep breath. In this world, there are occasions when you know you are right and you don’t feel like explaining. Also, I am the type of person who tried my best to protect other people’s hearts. As much as I can, I don’t want other people to experience pain. However, after a year battled with how deeply I felt wronged, the false claim didn’t stop. I can feel my hands tremble as this unfair blame even recently made me want to visit a psychologist. I was still intensely wounded by what happened a year ago and hearing that his party escalated this issue, even after such a calm response from me when I totally deserved to be angry, got me teary. However, collecting my composure, I answered,

“I swear by the name of Allah, I never had any intention but communicating about the businesses I found necessary. It also hurts me that this is the payback I got from someone for whom my hard work contributed to his name. You know who got the credit for the work I did,” As if resonated with the pain in my heart, I found my voice trembling.

I hardly swear in the name of Allah because I know how significant a thing is if I decided to do it but this time I swore that I never ever had any hidden intention when I texted him but for the matters I found appropriate. And even after the heartless words I received from his wife and he decided not to step up to clear the air (which means he deliberately slaughtered me), I decided to resign from the organization where we worked together. I gave up on a cause I truly care about just because I needed to cut all the ties and walk away. I sacrificed myself because I wanted to protect other people’s hearts and now this is what I got, even after a year of not communicating at all. (In the end, my resignation wasn’t approved but we never ever communicated again so what’s behind the second round of accusations I received this time?).

“But you know, this allegation might damage your reputation. Some people might hear this but never get a chance to clarify it to you or the people around you.” She was back at urged me to speak up.

“I know where your suggestion came from. I am afraid too that people might give me the wrongful tag. Don’t worry. Allah knows. I know you might find my silence annoyed you. However, let’s face this calmly. While indeed I had many shortcomings and mistakes, I know in this case I am in the right position and Allah knows and that’s enough. May Allah elevate my status due to my patience and silence,” I commented, “Remember that you faced things calmly back then even when you were in despair from the accusation someone threw at you? I grew up watching people around me--my family members, my friends, my co-workers being patient--so this is my turn to be patient too,” When I said those words, I realized how strenuous patience is. Tears fell down.

So why didn’t I defend myself? Of course, when the accusation was first made, I felt a range of emotions--anger, frustration, hurt, and confusion. Not to mention how hurtful it is the second time you heard it from the same person. It is definitely tempting to immediately defend myself and try to prove my innocence but I believed that accusations do not necessarily equal guilt. I stayed silent and was patient because I had nothing to hide. I also believed that time would reveal the truth. I knew that if I were innocent, the facts would speak for themselves, and by remaining silent, I was allowing the truth to come to light. It is definitely not an easy decision. It required a lot of self-control and a lot of trust in the process. However, I know that as long as I did nothing wrong, no matter what accusation was being pointed at me, I still have confidence in myself.

It took me a lot of courage to write this since the memory itself gave me enormous trauma. Even typing this post created pools of tears in my eyes. I eventually decided to write this down because, after a year of acceptance, the issue got escalated by that party. I need to write this to help me to heal from the pain I haven’t even healed yet and now is being worsened.

My friends said he owe me a massive apology but I don’t wait for an apology anymore. I want to find a massive courage to forgive anyone that hurt me instead. I want to find inner peace without depending on anyone.

After all, I know Allah knows. For me, it is enough. It is always enough.

--------------

Image by: Thanh Nguyen via Pixabay

(Alert: contained spoilers of “Flight to You”.)

Heyyy, I am back. You should be glad that this “you’ll hear from me again when I am in the mood of writing” blogger was on fire, coming back only 2 days after posting something. Hihi. I swear, at first I didn’t have any intention to make the sequel to my previous post. I was quite satisfied that it contained my major thoughts about the drama I am currently having withdrawal syndrome over. However, after finishing the last episode, I couldn’t help wanting to write the second part of my thoughts regarding Cheng Xiao of “Flight to You”. No, I wouldn’t talk about the romance side, as the drama itself didn't put the romance in the center, even though I will still mention her love interest, Gu Nanting. Through this post, I would love to give the spotlight on her journey and struggle as a female pilot.

As a woman who is also navigating a male-dominated field, I think the attachment I have for Cheng went stronger as the story progressed. She faced doubt and underestimation from the senior pilots, was persuaded to quit by her instructor (who was Gu Nanting himself -__-), received sexist hatred from an influential pilot, needed to start over, was transferred to the ground handling department, was treated roughly by some passengers, was slandered, even faced a legal issue: she basically was in a hamster wheel of misfortunes. Of course, I didn’t even feel 1% of her struggle intensity however it still resonated well with me.

Contrary to giving up, she bravely faced everything because she believed flying is her life. She fought back the pointing fingers because she knew it is a dream she put her soul into. I found myself admiring her for fighting for the things that matter to her. So, when the last three episodes showed that the table was turned, I can’t help feeling what she felt as if she shared it with me. Unknowingly I smiled proudly at the scene where she pulled her suitcase to the plane with four bars in her suit (four bars epaulet/suit stripes indicate someone is a captain). On top of that, someone who initially she addressed as “the biggest enemy” because he had discouraged her from becoming a passenger pilot became the one who promoted her and called her “Captain Cheng” for the first time. Such a dramatic, well-executed emotional scene that made me once again say, “Cheng Xiao, you’re awesome.”

However, the utmost goosebumps I got from the drama was when the company assigned her as the captain for the maiden flight of the first Chinese-made aircraft--a historical moment in Chinese aviation. Initially, Gu Nanting was prepared to take the driving seat but he suffered a vision problem so he passed it on to Cheng Xiao, his chosen-over-selection co-pilot. Cheng Xiao immediately rejected the idea of taking over his position and instead wanted to accompany him doing the eye operation. However, he convinced her by saying:

“Domestic planes are what generations of Chinese aviation professionals have hoped for. They have devoted their whole lives to this one thing. All their efforts on those 80 tons of metal. At first, I thought I could turn this blueprint into reality as soon as possible. But I don’t have the chance anymore. So, I’m passing it on to you. You are doing this not only for me, for Luzhou Airlines, but also to fulfill the wishes of several generations of Chinese aviation professionals,”

Cheng Xiao was teary hearing such encouragement from Gu Nanting who hoped that she could be strong in shouldering the huge responsibility. Both Tan Songyun and Wang Kai executed that scene greatly as we can see how Cheng Xiao, no matter how tough she looked was still a woman who had doubt and fear while Gu Nanting, no matter how fearful he was of the situation tried to always be her rock. Those words were beautifully said but what made me lost it was when he, a prideful man himself, concluded his heartfelt message by uttering:

“Cheng Xiao, you have always been my pride. Promise me. Fly well tomorrow.”

Guess who was crying? I was not *grabbed my tissue. The reversal from hearing “Don't be proud of yourself” when she showed Gu Nanting her rapid learning progress to “You have always been my pride” when she became the captain of a historical high altitude journey caught me off guard. As if I copied Gu Nanting’s feelings, I can feel how proud I was of her as well. After going through an emotional rollercoaster with her during the show, I can say: Gu Nanting, she is also my pride.

Several hours after I finished the drama, those words still lingered in my mind. You have always been my pride. How beautiful it is to hear someone direct that confession to us. It holds a deeper meaning compared to “I am proud of you”. It is someone acknowledging you as their source of any great feelings. It is someone recognizing you as their hope and wish.

Looking up at the blue sky from my window, I found myself praying that someday I can hear someone says: “iim, you have always been my pride” or something similar to it. Until then, I will work my hardest to be someone who can make myself proud. Until later, I will continuously improve myself to be my better version. I will definitely give my all to be someone who deserves that confession. When the time comes, will you say that I am your pride?

Dear Cheng Xiao, I hope I can be a brave and strong-willed woman like you. On top of that, if Allah permits, I wish that I can hear a similar declaration you heard from Gu Nanting be expressed to me. Even if eventually I couldn’t hear it from someone, I would still wish it as if one day it will come true. I will pray often. I will also work my hardest.

 --------------------

All photos belong to iQIYI. All right reserved.

---------------------

P.S.:

1. A special mention: Ni Zhan's quote cheering up Cheng Xiao who was demoted to the ground handling department: "I used to think that life is unfair. All roads lead to Rome, but some people are born in Rome.". I am glad that this story had such a beautiful soul who was there for Cheng in her ups and downs.

2. Now after finishing the entire episodes and taking time to process the story, I can eventually understand why my heart, just like Cheng Xiao's,  was attached to Gu Nanting. I tried to be rational and said that I would choose Ni Zhan but then I remember my own words to a close friend, "You know, even if I haven't loved someone, probably would accept him if I admire and respect him,". Cheng Xiao's feelings stemmed from the admiration and respect she had for Gu Nanting. I must say that a man we respect and admire is totally in a different league. Also, what a relationship goal it is to be each other's pride.

3. Shout out to Liu Yuning who lent his voice to this drama's soundtrack "Gravity". I knew he is the singer behind many dramas that I like but this time, I fell for his voice even more. (please turn the CC on to see the subtitles.)

(Alert: contained spoilers of “Flight to You”.)

If you’ve read my Certified in Cybersecurity Exam Experience post, you might've noticed that during the study sessions, I watched a Chinese drama in between. So what kind of drama had made me couldn’t wait until I took the exam to watch? *insert dramatic drumroll *hihi. I shall blame iQIYI for dropping an enticing summary of a drama with a poster of Wang Kai in pilot uniforms! (the caption: “Nick Wang (Wang Kai’s international name), please always wear your uniform”. YES please!).

Previously watched a drama where he transformed into a stern team leader of the Violent Crime Unit, I can totally portray him being a strict flight instructor. In my biased opinion (yes, here I am unapologetically biased), I couldn’t imagine any Chinese actor can exceed his performance in portraying a calm and charismatic super-strict-almost-annoying yet soft-hearted man. He is built for this kind of role. Also, his beautiful translation of “how a man’s icy heart gradually melts” was just mesmerizing. In addition, the talented Tan Songyun will showcase how a female pilot navigates the male-dominated profession. Those two actors are synonymous with good dramas so there I was couldn’t put my priority right. Argh, I just studied then watched it then studied for a bit then watched it again as if I was so ready to risk the exam *can you hear my dumb sobs?

I love her character. Cheng Xiao, you are awesome!

Now, I am gonna talk about the drama because so many thoughts flooded me while watching it. “Flight to You”( 向风而行) revolved around the lives of the flight crew of Luzhou Airlines, largely inspired by 12 real-life aviation cases. Cheng Xiao (Tan Songyun), a pilot in the cargo flight department had to move to the passenger flight department due to the company's restructuring. After 8 good years of serving, becoming a captain should be just a matter of time for her until Gu Nanting (Wang Kai), the Deputy Director of the Passenger Flight Department became her direct supervisor and instructor. He mentioned several times that what she lacked as a passenger pilot couldn’t be overcome by hard work and she should just quit (even wrote a resignation letter on behalf of her. LoL). As if her journey as a woman in the piloting field wasn’t nerve-racking enough, she had to go through a hamster wheel of mistreatments from several parties including the devil instructor.

(Before moving forward with the romance side of the drama, I would like to applaud the show for spotlighting the obstacles that women go through in the workplace. For example, there were episodes where she was involved in a rumor and it did bigger damage to her compared to her male counterparts. The fact that a woman can be talented, hardworking, and have credentials yet be easily knocked down by a false accusation while the men involved weren’t affected as much showed the double standard society has against women).

Let's go back to the track of romance. As someone who closely saw her determination and persistence, eventually, Gu Nanting's opinions about her slowly shifted. We can find him in the later part of the drama defending, supporting, and protecting her behind her back. Therefore, it was understandable that Cheng Xiao developed a special feeling for him as he was there assisting her growth. A straightforward and fearless woman she was, she openly admitted her secret to him--in hope that the feeling would reciprocate. She pursued him with the attitude of “even if I have to take 99 steps to close the 100 steps between us, it doesn’t matter as long as he is the one taking the final step”.

The problem is, it became frustrating that she already threw herself at him yet he was battling with his own demons: denials (for 34 episodes like seriously the man being a turtle in front of his feeling), avoidances, trauma, “you’re just a student to me” (a.k.a the C-drama's most heartbreaking statement of early 2023) reason, “not with you, not without you” attitude, and “one hand holding the past, one hand holding her” manner. He did everything but be honest with his feeling. Yet at the same time, he’d drop everything just for her, in rescue mode whenever she was in danger, and was the most panicked one when it comes to her. Imagine the confusion you get from a man whose acts and words were perfect contradictions. Should you give up? What if his actions were truer than his words? Should you stay? But isn’t it disheartening to see him keep pushing you away?

Should be an interesting watch, the drama became draggy and plain infuriating because of several things including his inability to have an honest conversation with himself. I skipped the middle part of it to the part where Gu Nanting started to realize that he was wrong in putting the walls against Cheng Xiao. I'll be honest: I must say Gu Nanting is one gorgeous man I can’t deny. He is ridiculously attractive and his soft calming smile cured the hard days of a stressful job. On top of that, his actions signaled that he saw her as more than just a colleague, so as a woman who has initially developed a special liking toward him, it’s hard for Cheng Xiao to ignore and get past her feeling.

Ni Zhan, a man you are.

Dear iQIYI, shouldn't you also say: "Liu Chang, please always wear your uniform"? :)

I know the writer tried to convince the viewers that Gu Nanting is worth all the pain but still for me, Ni Zhan is the man. I’m sold at how he was selflessly there for Cheng Xiao, helped her, cheered upon her, treasured her, and thoroughly thought about her happiness above anything. Ni Zhan simply won my heart with his firm decision and sure steps toward Cheng Xiao. But then I realized that choice stemmed from my cowardice while in reality, my heart would probably belong to Gu Nanting for all my life. 

So under what circumstance can someone be trapped in the middle of this beautiful friendship? *cough *only Cheng Xiao's circumstance

As I progressed towards the end of the drama, I can sense my heart little by little changed as Gu Nanting became more humane. On top of that, I must admit that Nanting's small detail of softness all over the episode is what makes him worth the long wait. I am also glad that the writer gave him chance to redeem himself which made the decision to choose him well-justified. Then I understood that maybe if I was Cheng Xiao, I wouldn’t be able to turn my head away from him as well. In this world, there is a magical feeling which makes someone’s smile greatly powerful for us. Perhaps if I was Cheng Xiao, I don’t care how long shall I wait or whether I would end up with him or not, but seeing him standing there, all the hardships the world throws at me would be less excruciating. Maybe if someone like Gu Nanting himself appears in my life, I would do exactly the same. I would also work my best to be the woman he’d run to every day.  

Therefore, who I am to give her advice? Because when the heart says seeing someone even from faraway calms the stormy day, then perhaps it's enough. :)

--------------------

When Cheng Xiao finally got promoted and Gu Nanting said, “Captain Cheng, please have a safe flight”, I smiled widely. Some people just couldn’t express their thoughts well. For them, “I hope you’re okay” translates as “You mean the world to me”. 

--------------------

All photos belong to iQIYI. All right reserved.