My phone rang at late night when I almost went to bed. A close friend’s name appeared on the screen. When I picked up the call, I noticed how cautious and stammered she was with her words, contrasted with how cheerful she was whenever we talked. Therefore, I prepared myself for the bad news. There must be something unpleasing she wanted to deliver to me.

“Is there something you might find it difficult to tell me?” after quite a chit-chat, I braced myself to find out the reason for the sudden late at-night, unplanned conversation.

“After I tell you, I hope you don’t feel sad. Just ignore it. I just wanted you to know so you are better informed when you need to make a decision.” Her cautiousness was still there.

She heard my quiet affirmation, then proceed,

“So today a friend just asked me about you because she knew we’re close friends. She forwarded a question she had received from another person about you. That friend said that she was asked about whether you are such a woman….. the type of woman who will snatch somebody’s husband." she paused, "I thought after a year ago his wife harshly accused you and you backed down although you were innocent, everything was finished. Turned out it is still an issue till today and even involved more people.” I can hear her voice shaking, “It hurts me to see you receive such cruelty and you kept quiet. It pains me a lot to witness someone with good intentions like you be treated horribly like this. You should defend yourself and fight back.” This time I found a burning anger in her tone.

There was silence as we both wandered around our minds, trying to understand the situation better. My mind recalled a painful memory of me quietly struggling to face a harrowing accusation from a colleague’s wife. Isn't it funny that this time the accusation was made when I am more than three thousand miles away from my home country and no single communication was made with the man in question? 

I inhaled a deep breath. In this world, there are occasions when you know you are right and you don’t feel like explaining. Also, I am the type of person who tried my best to protect other people’s hearts. As much as I can, I don’t want other people to experience pain. However, after a year battled with how deeply I felt wronged, the false claim didn’t stop. I can feel my hands tremble as this unfair blame even recently made me want to visit a psychologist. I was still intensely wounded by what happened a year ago and hearing that his party escalated this issue, even after such a calm response from me when I totally deserved to be angry, got me teary. However, collecting my composure, I answered,

“I swear by the name of Allah, I never had any intention but communicating about the businesses I found necessary. It also hurts me that this is the payback I got from someone for whom my hard work contributed to his name. You know who got the credit for the work I did,” As if resonated with the pain in my heart, I found my voice trembling.

I hardly swear in the name of Allah because I know how significant a thing is if I decided to do it but this time I swore that I never ever had any hidden intention when I texted him but for the matters I found appropriate. And even after the heartless words I received from his wife and he decided not to step up to clear the air (which means he deliberately slaughtered me), I decided to resign from the organization where we worked together. I gave up on a cause I truly care about just because I needed to cut all the ties and walk away. I sacrificed myself because I wanted to protect other people’s hearts and now this is what I got, even after a year of not communicating at all. (In the end, my resignation wasn’t approved but we never ever communicated again so what’s behind the second round of accusations I received this time?).

“But you know, this allegation might damage your reputation. Some people might hear this but never get a chance to clarify it to you or the people around you.” She was back at urged me to speak up.

“I know where your suggestion came from. I am afraid too that people might give me the wrongful tag. Don’t worry. Allah knows. I know you might find my silence annoyed you. However, let’s face this calmly. While indeed I had many shortcomings and mistakes, I know in this case I am in the right position and Allah knows and that’s enough. May Allah elevate my status due to my patience and silence,” I commented, “Remember that you faced things calmly back then even when you were in despair from the accusation someone threw at you? I grew up watching people around me--my family members, my friends, my co-workers being patient--so this is my turn to be patient too,” When I said those words, I realized how strenuous patience is. Tears fell down.

So why didn’t I defend myself? Of course, when the accusation was first made, I felt a range of emotions--anger, frustration, hurt, and confusion. Not to mention how hurtful it is the second time you heard it from the same person. It is definitely tempting to immediately defend myself and try to prove my innocence but I believed that accusations do not necessarily equal guilt. I stayed silent and was patient because I had nothing to hide. I also believed that time would reveal the truth. I knew that if I were innocent, the facts would speak for themselves, and by remaining silent, I was allowing the truth to come to light. It is definitely not an easy decision. It required a lot of self-control and a lot of trust in the process. However, I know that as long as I did nothing wrong, no matter what accusation was being pointed at me, I still have confidence in myself.

It took me a lot of courage to write this since the memory itself gave me enormous trauma. Even typing this post created pools of tears in my eyes. I eventually decided to write this down because, after a year of acceptance, the issue got escalated by that party. I need to write this to help me to heal from the pain I haven’t even healed yet and now is being worsened.

My friends said he owe me a massive apology but I don’t wait for an apology anymore. I want to find a massive courage to forgive anyone that hurt me instead. I want to find inner peace without depending on anyone.

After all, I know Allah knows. For me, it is enough. It is always enough.

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Image by: Thanh Nguyen via Pixabay

Dear hope, the Sydney I wrote about to you today is drizzling--the light kind I would love to face unshielded although it’s frosty. But dear hope, I know one day the mizzle would turn warmer because of your presence.

Two days ago, Mbak Lia (Edmalia Rohmani) visited this city and agreed that we would meet at Circular Quay. The weather prediction stated that there would be rain all day yet our night meeting happened under no umbrella. We knew each other in the first place since we both loved literature thus no wonder poetic words were uttered while strolling down the wet paving blocks towards the Opera House.  

“Imagine walking along this path with the loved one.” Her statement turned the literature mode on in me. “Under the rain, with such a view.”, she added while patting my shoulder as if she knew I have been waiting for that “quietly strolling beautiful place with someone” moment. The dream moment I have forgotten for a while due to recent hectic days where my heart felt like in a high-speed blender.

I looked far across the beach, the Harbour Bridge was sparkling beautifully. The cars on the bridge were moving in slow motion as if it was a scene from a romantic movie where the character is surrounded by an air of melancholy. Imagine spending such a lovely night just walking serenely side to side with someone so dear to the heart. When I turned my head a bit, the Opera House was radiantly glowing. What a poem-worth situation it was. Flowery lines kept popping out in my brain as the romantic view of two Sydney landmarks shined in front of my eyes. There is no exaggeration in saying that this particular night in Sydney has inspired me to stay optimistic, especially regarding the old hopes.

As Mbak Lia repeatedly mentioned how grateful she was to be here, I couldn’t help praying that one day, I would have an opportunity to repeat the amble with a loved one. I smiled at the tender waves sound of the beach alongside the pathway. I hoped my future man could hear this too from wherever he is now. I felt the 12°C gentle wind blow as the wishes were raised to the sky. The city was cold and I can feel my freezing hands touching my face. Aamiin, I said silently.  

I want to fall in love with someone, one of my very wishes that night. The kind of love that puts my heart at ease. A feeling that resembles home for my unsettled mind and heart. Love that it reminds me of how beautiful Allah’s plan is. Love that even by remembering his smile, my heart feels warm. I wished in love to feel that effortless and lightweight.

I can portray him as a solemn and thoughtful old soul. A laid-back and grounded introverted man with whom, silence is comfortable. Someone whose eyes spark soft light like a ray of morning sunshine. Someone that walking through his mind offers me a leisure walk in a sunflower garden. Someone I’d love to have a deep conversation with for hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades, lifetime and rarely get bored as I keep uncovering a new depth of his mind. On top of everything, someone that makes me remember Allah more, therefore, paradise feels relatively closer.

As Sydney itself is a magic that came true--a long-time wish turned into a reality, I hope these particular wishes I whispered in the “magical land” would come true too.

Each city has its own color and sentiment. For me, Sydney is the symbol of hope. I am hopeful that one day, I’ll get an opportunity to meander this scenery at night, while rain is lightly pouring, and his calm smile raises the temperature. I believe in it just as I believe in all the previous dreams I wrote in my diary. No matter how silly it sounds when I ask for it from Allah, I fully recognized the fact that He carefully listens.

God listens to our prayers, always. Indeed. 

Love, 

iim

Fate is like invisible cards that are distributed to us.... 

When I was a kid, besides several traditional games, I sometimes played cards with my playmates. (I hope I know the name but am still clueless even after trying to search it on Google. Hihi. Also, don’t get it wrong. No money, bet, or punishment was involved. It was purely a game for fun.)

Since I don’t know what it’s called, I’ll explain the rule so you can imagine it. (Someone who knows the name please let me know. Hehe). The cards are shuffled then 5 up to 8 of them are given out equally to each player, leaving the undistributed ones as a deck. Following right after, the paper on the top of the deck is revealed. Each player has to put a card which matches that particular card’s suit. Subsequently, the one with the highest card decides the suit for the next round. If a player doesn’t have a similar suit to the one which is being presented, that person needs to take the cards in the deck until he/she finds it. The one who finishes their cards first wins and the last one to do it loses the game.

When I was a child, never I had any thoughts, expectations, or anticipation about the cards being shuffled. It was just a game so whatever I got, I would still be excited about it (only slightly was disengaged when I got low cards. Nevertheless I enjoyed it). Now if I have to play it again, maybe I will wonder which cards would be played by me and what wouldn’t be in my hands. I wonder if the cards would vary significantly for each player and there is no favorite card in mine. I am also curious if favorable cards are handed to me instead. Moreover, what if I got no spade or diamond or heart or clover among them?

Now when I think about it, it resembles life in many ways. Forrest Gump (1994) has popularized “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get.” and for me, instead of a box of chocolates, I would like to put the cards as a metaphor. The major difference is that our cards are shown before we begin the game, thus planning is greatly possible. On contrary, the cards are unveiled gradually one by one in life. Furthermore, compared to the cards in the game in which we know the precise meaning, in life sometimes we are oblivious of the denotation even after it is disclosed.

Fate is like the cards that are being distributed to us. We equally get a life yet the cards vary. We simply don’t know what cards would be handed to and played by us. We can’t withdraw from the game just because we think the cards aren’t on our side. We also can’t automatically win just because we have the cards that are beneficial for us. When interacting with other players, we realize that it’s not just ours that matters but also other people’s cards. And above everything, some things are out of our control like the suit that would be uncovered by the player with the highest card. Nevertheless, we still follow the game and try to gain control over it. Life also acts in that sense. Several things are within our control while the others are beyond it. Still, there is a space where we are in the driving seat.

If I may add one more lesson I learned from the card game is that everyone has a different set of cards. Consequently, the way we play the game would be different--our strategies are personalized and our stories are unique. Thus, there is no point in comparing our life with others. 

However, what resonates the most with me recently is, that in the game, we can always put an effort to find the card we don’t have. We could always attempt to search for the missing piece in life. It might take a long time. It might make us unable to finish the game early, but there is always a probability of winning or at least not being the ultimate defeated.

Presently, when I have to take a longer route than the normal one, I will remind myself of how often I didn’t lose the game even when I didn’t have a certain suit in my cards then needed to take a lot of them from the deck. While finishing all the cards cost me ages and I might be left behind anyone who can spend theirs earlier, I had the courage, patience, and confidence to continue the game. Rarely did I lose back then when I was a kid and I believe that I would not lose too in life.

Because until the game is finished, I never knew how it would be ended. So do with life, I want to have the same courage about my cards. I want to trust my journey like that little girl back then who has confidence in the cards in her hands. Win or lose, she still smiled genuinely and continue the game. In life, I want to face "the cards" with a similar frame of mind.  Would you too?

Love, 

iim

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Courage, patience, and confidence—how I wish I could have those words plastered all over the place so I will always remember them. 

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image credit: istockphoto.com via mentalfloss.com

"I feel quite lost inside myself, like I'm looking for my train tracks for my life." - Sabrina Ward Harrison

Hello, everyone. How are your days? Mine is mainly cold (homonym intended). As someone who was accustomed to Jakarta’s heat for years, Sydney’s low temperature is already challenging from the very beginning. I shouldn’t walk around dressed as if it is the early winter when people barely wear jackets but just let me. Hehe.

When I posted my previous writing, some people suggested I write down my experience navigating life as a student in Sydney. Here I am starting my #OzDiaries (Oz is another way of spelling "Aus", which is an abbreviation of "Australia") while planning to post them regularly *I wish. I hope I can share the snapshots of a mere student’s life in a big EXPENSIVE city *yeah wrote the highlight in capital letters! Hihi. Promise you they are nothing sort of bragging but more like the lessons I learn or the inner feeling unspoken. So shall we start now?

When I conveyed that I would pursue my master’s degree in Sydney, my mom asked me whether I am not tired of constantly studying and struggling. After all, women, my age should start to have a comfortable life, right? It was not that she didn’t approve of the idea. From time to time, she checked on me to make sure that I am happy with the choices I make. Truth is, that happened because she acknowledged my habit of recklessly jumping out of my comfort zone and then quietly struggling by myself. Occasionally she mentioned that my health and happiness are so much more important than the so-called growth since she was worried that I did everything out of the desire to outgrow myself. While the betterment I aimed for is due to my wish to contribute better to society, she never forgot to emphasize the importance of enjoying life.

(I bet she is actually struggling to be a mother of someone who likes to do difficult things when actually deep down is a coward.)

I told her that I was not just ready but also excited to embrace the adventure. So she smiled and said that I should take care of myself because there would be none to lean on, to accompany. She also mentioned that I should be responsible for the privilege I got: be a good student and come back as a better me. I nodded while holding back tears because I should contain the emotion as always. All by myself, in a new city, I know my train would be heading to a station of uncomfortableness. Yet there I was holding the ticket tightly.

What happened later were the things that warmed my heart. I accepted a lot of help both from the people I knew and I didn't. Someone offered me her phone when I said that there was no wifi outside the airport building, a Ph.D. student at my university DM-ed me and took care of me whenever I am on campus, an old man approached me who was standing in front of the city map asking whether he could provide me assistance, some people greeted me “assalamualaikum” when I walked on the road with a tired face after classes, the UNSW Muslim community members who embraced me warmly, and many more that I couldn't mention one by one--they didn’t know that they came right exactly the moment I needed morale-booster.

At one moment, a woman on the light rail offered me the seat beside her. I couldn’t help saying “I am new here and the people are so kind. Thank you.” which was replied with a big smile on her face. We talked about several things and when the announcement said that shortly we would arrive at The UNSW station, I prepared myself to stand up. She poked me and handed me a piece of paper money that was $50. Overwhelmed by the surprising act, I said I can’t receive that. Her kindness was already an uplifting chunk of my day. However, she insisted while saying “if you want to repay for that, please pray for my husband. He has been in hospital for months.”

I didn’t walk to the campus right after I arrived at the station this time. Instantly I sat down and stared blankly at the money in my hand. She might have had harder times than mine but helped me anyway. What I called tough days might never come close in difficulty compared to hers. Yet she patted my head and continuously said “Good luck. I wish you all the best.” as if she knew that that particular morning, I really needed someone to pat my head and say that I’ll be okay. She was really the answer to my prayer that day and I can’t thank her enough for giving me additional strength. (writing this part got me in tears. Huhu)

After all the difficulties I had in life, I realized how Allah always send me what I need to bear. For my very first days in Sydney, that woman is the symbol of how I should always be hopeful about my life here. I should always know that the smiling faces of friends and strangers would be there when I need them the most.  

The series of kindness from people in Sydney reminds me of something: the next time you see someone with a confused face or you are in a position to help, please do yourself a favor. If you can, please offer help. You never know how much that person needs your help. You have no idea how many times that person would want to say thanks to you. You never know that perhaps that person will pray for you due to your kindness and hoping that he/she could also be a kind person like you. You never know what someone is going through so be kind, always.  

Lastly, Eid Mubarak for my Muslim friends. Taqobalallahu winna wa minkum. I will see you again later insyaAllah! 😊

Love, 

iim

If you are here right after I posted this, it means I’m on a flight to Sydney, the city I mentioned as one of my dreams since 2013 (please pray for me to land safely). Moving out of Jakarta this time, I realized that I’m in a constant search mode for a "home" all my life. I am leaving the only country I called home with mixed feelings, but most importantly thankfulness.

In early April, I received the information that I would be starting my master’s degree journey this very month (yes you read correctly). Supposedly to be great news, half of April 2022 turned out to be one of the toughest periods in my life. I have to prepare everything only in 18 days. And considering how bad I am toward goodbyes, every little melancholy doubled in weight.

However, now that I can join this Jakarta-Sydney trip, I can breathe easy while reminiscing all the struggles I had. I thought I would fail to meet the departure preparation deadline. I was a bit pessimistic about whether I could start the course this term. I lost count of how many times I said: “Should I just defer to the next term?” because the hurried preparation wasn’t comfortable at all if not seemed impossible.

Realizing how difficult to make the decision to move forward with the original plan or to defer, I performed istikhara prayer. As always, I don’t know and Allah knows. So I asked Him to guide me in deciding which option benefits me the most. I also asked Him to give me the strength to accept the decision whatever it was. It didn’t take long for Him to guide me to stick with the plan by making my heart suddenly feel stronger.

I was stronger but if I have to mention something that made tears sit in the corner of my eyes is how kind and helpful the people around me were. I then understood that when Allah says He does not burden a soul beyond what it can bear, He really means it. Your strength is not just your own force but the collective power of you and the people who helped you. That when He wanted to make you overcome the difficulties, He sends the helping hands--both from the expected and unexpected directions. Miraculously, the answer to the prayer started to fall into place. I finally could make it, even though still facing a lot of dramas until the very last time.

One day, a good friend of mine ever mentioned how important the little help given by other people was when she was in a tough period. That she appreciated the people who did even the simplest things so she could concentrate on something big she was facing. Now that I am in that period, I understand her statement wholeheartedly. That even someone waited for me to print my scholarship contract, which was sent to me at the end of the working hours, was a big intangible pat on my shoulder. I remember when that friend and I stepped out of the office, I wanted to say thousands of thank you if that wasn't wasting too much of my friend’s time. So I just smiled and promised that I will remember the kindness for all my life.

Maybe I never said millions of thanks but I’m eternally grateful for every little thing the people did. Some of you may know that I fear asking for help. No, it’s not that I aimed to be a fully independent woman. I just feel that being dependent is a luxury I couldn’t afford. Being accompanied is a wish I could only keep by myself. Therefore, I appreciate the people who offered me help without me asking for it first. Every little help you offered put me on the brink of tears. Even the smallest kindness would always be remembered. I am forever indebted to a lot of people this time around and I promised that I will not let everyone down. I will work hard so every effort the people spent on me wouldn’t go to waste.

I am willing to trade my one-year hard work to see your smiling faces. InsyaAllah I am just 365 days away from you all. Until that day, I will pray for our pleasant meetings in the future. Until then, please wait for me happily and healthily.

Thank you.

Thank you for being the ingredient of my happiness.

Love,

iim

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P.S.: During the preparation, I numbed myself because I didn’t have the luxury to pause and process my feelings. Ah, I am still that "pretend-to-be-tough" woman.  Now that I am finally on the plane, should I just cry? 😊 

Thank you for sending me off ☺(and for some people who didn't join this photo, you know I appreciated it not any less)

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image source: meer.com

Whenever I feel blue, there is something that puts things into perspective: the knowledge that some of my best days haven’t happened yet….

Yesterday, my friend excitedly told me about Sabrina&Belva’s wedding: an event that gave us abundant feelings, most especially warm euphoria. We barely know them personally but it didn’t stop the sentiments from coming over us. As if Disney movies jumped into reality, a fairytale-like wedding does exist. We are sincerely happy about their marriage.

We then talked about how mysterious fate was. We simply don’t know what will happen in the future, even in the next second. For sure, Bina (Sabrina’s nickname) in the past didn’t know that in the future she would sit in one of the best colleges in the world i.e. MIT while at the same time marry one of the most eligible bachelors in the country i.e. Belva. (P.S.: my friend has adored Belva since a long time ago and I occasionally heard about his works and manners. It’s safe to conclude that whoever marries him is on cloud nine.).

We also discussed Allah's mightiness to unite a person with someone alike. Indeed good men are for good women and vice versa. The Natuno's co-founder had gone through a lot and worked hard to be the person she is today--the kind of woman who's made Belva fall head over heels for. So did Belva who has put his all to build a better education environment in Indonesia. When the time came for him to settle down, he eventually ended up with someone like Bina.

Above all, their story gave us bounded optimism about the future.

Subsequently, I remember a post that has helped me get a hold of myself, written by Omid Scheybani. He mentioned that anticipating all the upcoming small and big things was something that put him on stable ground. The notion that several best days in his life haven't happened yet has assisted him to overcome his sorrow.

The aforesaid notion affected me likewise. It’s comforting knowing that some of the most beautiful feelings of my life are waiting to happen. It’s uplifting to realize that sundry best days in my life will eventually come. The day I fall in love, the day I marry someone, the day I embarking my master’s degree journey, the day I become a mom, the day I perform hajj, the days I see my parents, brother, and friends’ best moments, and so forth. It’s a wonderful thought that some of the most beautiful days in my life haven’t happened yet. I will work on myself to be someone who deserves those delightful moments.

Lastly, barakallah for the wedding which gave a lot of people heartfelt emotion, Sabrina and Belva. Thank you for reminding me once again that inshaAllah the future holds a bunch of my finest moments. I have faith in Allah so I trust my journey. Even when sadness hits me, I would remind myself of this idea: some of the best days in my life are waiting for me. The best is yet to come so I should be patient. 

I believe there is happiness waiting in front of each of us after the long tiring days :)

Love,

iim

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The title above mirrored Omid's post title: The Best Days of Your Life

image source: twimg.com

In case you only have 15 seconds to read this *wink, here’s the summary: to remain grounded amidst a sea of flashy buzzwords is a luxury.

I got inspired to write this on my way back from buying my favorite seblak (a Sundanese savory and spicy dish with wet crackers as the main ingredient) while raindrop was suddenly pouring over me. I saw some people had to work under the rain with nothing on top of their heads. Under this kind of circumstance, it is a luxury to be able to rush home and worry about nothing. Wait. I said luxury? Why did this word instead of privilege pop up in my mind?

Ever since I don’t exactly remember when, I rarely call something that not everybody has access to/opportunity of a privilege anymore. I used to call everything which wasn't near to a problem for me but still was considered one for some people as a privilege. For example, in this pandemic situation, the option to work from home when some people have to go out to earn money was called a privilege. Now I name it a whole luxury.

My standard on luxury has become lower and lower and for me that’s self-betterment. I realized that even the “basic requirements” in my life are out of the range of some people. A roof over my head, clean clothes, 3-meals a day, health facilities, internet access—who says everyone has access to them? Tertiary education experience, a stable job—the opportunities I casually didn't deem beds of roses. The realization I got from thinking about them humbled me every time.

(P.S.: I recently came across an article about global education statistics *tried to post the link but I can’t find it again. Globally, the percentage of individuals with college degrees was less than 8%. I was taken aback. Indeed, the saying "privilege is invisible to those who have it" was also applied to me and I felt sorry about that.)

From time to time, the list of what I called luxuries simultaneously expanded and shifted. Back then when I was a teenager, everything extravagant is a luxury. When I entered college, I remember mentioning having idealism as a luxury. I also remember saying that finding what you genuinely want to do in life as early as possible (and even better if we can live according to the results) is a luxury. Some years ago, because I found that being left with no choices could be a thorny situation, having choices slid up on my “what are luxuries” leaderboard.

Now, as I work in the information technology field, there is something I would like to call a luxury: the ability to remain grounded amidst the sea of flashy buzzwords. We live in an era where we hear (and maybe use) a fair amount of jargon. In the period where someone is regarded as knowledgeable when they mention sophisticated tech terms, it exerts oneself to be undistracted. 

After some people (especially the influential ones) talked about the tech buzzwords, what usually happened next is those things seemed too splendid to be unimplemented. The truth is, I have seen a lot of cases where technology implementation was rushed while the fundamental stuff was nowhere near steady. I've witnessed that technology adoptions were done hastily just because they were fancy yet no one carefully analyzed/calculated the cost and benefits in advance. I’ve heard here and there that the necessary requirements to make them effective hadn’t been established while the decision to invest in the new technologies was made. I wouldn’t even go deeper with the benefits realization and investment payback because in that kind of situation, what do we expect? :)

(Have you ever seen memes of a boy trying to skip some stair-steps which were widely used to represent how humans sometimes skip the important parts for whatever "shiny" stuff represented by the step which was aimed to? High five if you laughed over them 😊).

I know to be updated with technology advancement information is something highly necessary. I agreed that it’s essential to understand what’s going on in the tech world so we could react appropriately—anticipate and respond to the risks and/or leverage the tech in case it is beneficial. However, to be easily dazzled by the buzzwords and lose sight of what’s truly important is something I consider harmful. Imagine investing a great sum of money on something for the sake of following the trends while the expected benefits are uncertain and the risks haven’t been properly assessed (or even more addressed).

For those reasons, I can say that the ability to remain grounded amidst the sea of fancy buzzwords is a luxury. The ability to prioritize the fundamental things while having the serenity to not feel missed out is such a luxury. In the IT world, maybe that’s one of the highest kinds of luxuries ever existed. 

Your "hey I am back writing about IT again even though the IT part is microscopic" friend,

iim 

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*In the tech world, it's not that having the most sophisticated tool that I called a luxurious life, it's knowing what's really needed.

*I remember my high school counselor ever advised the students: ojo nggumunan (don't be too easily impressed). Now I understand its hidden meaning even more.

image source: wallpaperaccess.com

image source: greepx.com

Some months ago, a close friend of mine, Iis Setiani, promoted SK II Facial Treatment Essence (FTE) to me. Actually, she had done it many times but only this time did she succeed (talking about persistence, SK II Indonesia should hire her as their influencer *wink 😊). When I argued that the low-priced skincare products are enough for me (and deep down assumed that the effect on my skin isn't significantly inferior to the expensive ones), she convincingly said that the reason she loves this essence dearly was no other than it has improved her skin condition greatly. 

image source: Maxwell Nelson in unsplash.com

When I was a senior high schooler, I remember almost every cool kid in the school wore Piero shoes (please don’t judge us. In Purworejo at that time, the shoes were a subtle sign you are well off. Hihi). So like every other kid, I asked my parents to buy me one. I mean the pair wasn’t that expensive so it wasn’t too much to ask, right?

However, my parents were against the notion. I couldn’t own the shoes since we didn’t have the luxury to afford them while projecting our future where the children could live well. Coming from a modest background, we needed to do frugal living and save money so that both my brother and I could attend colleges, secure good jobs, and live better than my family did. Because of that long-term mission, we didn’t have the privilege to possess the things we wanted, even the seemingly inexpensive ones. It was frustrating that even the relatively cheap stuff for other people wasn’t affordable for us. Was I finally okay with that? Of course not. For kids at that age, it was totally disappointing. 

For years, I brought the disappointment of not being able to own the “cool” stuff along with my life as I can’t wear beautiful clothes, stylish shoes, bags from popular brands, etc. I basically have to wear the cheaper everything so that the family’s dreams were achievable. What happened next was that I promised myself to live a comfortable life where I can acquire the items I want to have in the future. I worked hard to ensure that I could succeed so the money problem won’t bother me anymore. 

However, when the time has finally come, for example, now that I can purchase the shoes with my own money, surprisingly, I didn’t buy one. Even when I could afford the goods from the more expensive brands, I was still the person who wore relatively cheaper things than what people around me did. Not that I am not interested in the luxurious stuff. Of course, as a human, I like to be clad in branded items. However, the experience of not having the things I wanted has put me into this perspective: I need to be aware of whether I need something or just want it. That the hard-earned money should be spent wisely as I am also grateful for the life I have today. That I need to be patient because, in life,  my dreams may or may not come true.

Seeing it from my current standpoint, the experience I had in the past was what grounded and humbled me. I had walked so far to be here so all I have is to be thankful for the life I have today.  Whenever I feel that my day sucks, I remember all those days when everything seemed so far away. It was such a humbling reminder. 

However, if I have to mention one precious lesson that I learned from that experience is to not judge everything harshly. My past self was upset with my parents even though maybe it was already the best they could do for me. Maybe they already did all they could to support me yet for me it wasn’t enough. Perhaps it was the best experience for the young me to embrace the future yet I was ridiculously ungrateful. So I beg myself to not be too hard on anyone (including me) since maybe they already provided/did the best they could.

If I could go back to the 16 years old self of mine, I would just hug her and tell her not to be upset over this matter. (Hey I can’t stop crying typing this part). The old me who was sad over the trivial things, look at you now. You are fine. You are completely fine. You walked properly in the right direction even without the dream Piero shoes.

So my dear self, even when you couldn’t have something, please remember that everything is still okay. You’ll be fine, as always. 

Love, 

iim

image source: gene.com

(For weeks, I wrote a bunch of halfway done writings and can finish nothing so I am beyond happy to finally be able to publish one.)

When I was in the period of entering senior high school, my dad said something to me who just learned to ride a motorcycle: “Don’t rush on the road. What you are after, Im, that you need to speeding?”. He said that too many times as if I couldn’t truly comprehend it by hearing it once. Indeed my dad agreed with the Javanese proverb: alon-alon waton kelakon (I don’t even know how to translate this saying hihihi. The closest I could come up with are the phrases ‘slowly but surely', ‘what’s the hurry?’ or ‘wise men are never in a hurry' depending on which aspect we want to emphasize.)