One particular thing I couldn’t fail to notice with the way people in my university communicate is when they explain something, they are likely to conclude it with “Does it make sense to you?” instead of “Do you understand?”. Now imagine a good-looking young lecturer teaching you to do data visualization and he ends the lecture with, “Does it make sense to you?” while smiling. Nah, I don’t find the visuals on the PowerBI more interesting than the visual of the one explaining it. And yes, it does make sense. Oh pardon, what I meant, it doesn’t make sense. Could you please explain it again to me? I am not a diligent student but I don’t mind listening to your explanation for hours.

LoL. I am kidding. That’s just a random imagination of what could've happened if it is in a K-drama setting. Let’s go back to the topic before you start asking me how to join that “My Lecturer is Handsome” class. Certainly, I wouldn’t let you know :p

There were a lot of moments when people asked me this question to confirm whether what they convey is delivered to me. However, what made me have full consciousness about it was that recently I have had a quite technical course and the lecturer seemed to catch the confusion in the students’ faces. We all literally had blank expressions, clearly displaying our unhidden bewilderment. He being a patient lecturer himself smiled while saying, “does it make sense to you? I can repeat if it doesn’t,” with no signs of judgment in his eyes. YES PLEASE! This dumb student right here lost her sense because of your sweet smile the difficult material *I am back with that “my lecturer is handsome” joke *if any production house wants to adapt this story as a movie, please get Nicholas Saputra as the lecturer.

That question, while touching on the same thing, made me feel so different from “do you understand?” which I usually heard. Whilst “do you understand?” puts the emphasis on the ability of the listener to comprehend, “does it make sense to you?” emphasizes the communicator’s effectiveness in delivering the message. I found it as a more respectful approach to verify, which I appreciate highly. This subtle (yes, I told you I love subtlety) shift in wording is beautiful, isn’t it?

The phrase "Do you understand?" can sometimes come across as condescending--putting the explainer in a slightly higher position than the one receiving the explanation. It could also imply that the person speaking tests the interlocutor’s ability to grasp the message. Not that I dislike that phrase but now that I found a better way to express it, I think I will try to adopt the new one. “Does it make sense to you?” shows a desire to take responsibility for the effectiveness of the communication and indicates a willingness to ensure that the message has been received correctly. The small shift from “can you understand my message?” to “Can my message be understood?” has impacted me on how I should be more intentional with my choice of words.

I am (once again) surprised with how small attention to our wording might create a big difference. Choosing the right words can help us convey the message effectively and elicit the desired emotional impact. The choice of words also set the tone of our message which significantly affect how our message is received by others. For instance, those two phrases have similar meanings but evoke divergent emotions. I tend to be more open about my lack of understanding when “Does it make sense to you?” is asked of me. After attending that class, I realized that it is essential to be mindful of my wording because effective communication is not just about what we say, but how we say it. Therefore, I would love to be more intentional with my choice of words from now on so that I can be more effective in communicating. 

Now, the question is, should I be intentional about the gorgeous lecturer too? Okay, just ignore my crazy self. Hihi. I know this random imagination doesn't make sense. Does it make sense to you? :)

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Images credit: manfredsteger at Pixabay

I know some of you might furrow your brows while thinking, “seriously she hasn’t moved on from ‘Flight to You’ yet?”. Hihihi. Please don’t judge me, bear with me, and don’t give up on me yet *I can hear you say: sis, you asked for too much :) *can you hear my dumb giggle? hihi. Recently, I found out the translation of the song I mentioned at the beginning of this post and realized that my heart felt warm when I figured out the track’s last lyrics, which are quoted above. I held my breath when the lyrics said, “I want to ask you whether your dream is within your reach now” but what made me lose it was the subsequent words, “I wish you a flight to the vast and bright sky”. I meant the level of subtlety it has got me thinking that any direct love confession for an aviation person couldn’t top this one.

Let me get you the background story. The “you” in this song is a passionate ‘flying-is-my-life’ female pilot he trained. Therefore, ‘I wish you a flight to the vast and bright sky’, both literally and figuratively, had the depth of the Pacific Ocean. He wished her ease in doing the thing she likes (for a pilot, flying to a bright sky indicates an easy-breezy supposed-to-be-safer trip) and also signified his hope about her sunshiny future (as a bright sky connotates peacefulness and happiness).

That brought me to a revelation: subtle expressions, both in words and acts, hold a dear place in my heart.

I know it sounds unconventional as straightforward expressions are considered more effective in communication. However, for me, finding an expression’s hidden meaning, sometimes wandering around extensive interpretation, is alluring. In several instances, I like when emotions, thoughts, and ideas are conveyed in a nuanced way even when denotative speaking is more understandable. Now when I think about it, my inclination toward subtlety might stem from 2 circumstances: my cultural background and my special liking for literature.

I grew up in a culture where people likely deliver their purpose in a vague way, closely accompanied by a grandfather who was enthusiastic about vague expressions in literature. At an early age, I learned wayang (puppet theatre play) and many classical Javanese dramas. In my teenage days, I meandered classical Indonesian literature pieces and continued with modern ones as I grew older. I was enchanted with the beauty of indirect expressions, both spoken and acted, approved by my cultural upbringing.

On the topic of the influence of culture on someone’s way of communication, I couldn’t help mentioning renowned Natsume Soseki’s poetic phrase “The moon is beautiful, isn’t it?”. Based on the explanation I found several years ago (read it here), at that time Soseki as an English teacher overheard his student translating “I love you” literally, which he believed rejected Japanese sensibility and was unfit for Japanese cultural context. Therefore, he pointed out that the expression should be translated to a more subtle, nuanced wording,

月が綺麗ですね (“The moon is beautiful, isn’t it?”).

For years, I couldn’t forget that phrase after uncovering its hidden meaning. Sometimes when I looked above and see the full moon (like tonight when I write this post), I nodded in agreement on why confirming whether the moon is beautiful implies that your heart belongs to someone you share the moon-viewing experience with. Not only that it is a more beautiful lexicon but also it allows deeper, more diverse, and more layered interpretations. Therefore, it offers the readers their own connections to and conclusions about the text. This creates a more immersive emotional experience, as the one hearing the expression more actively engages and participates in the process of understanding it.

The phrase above, for example, could be interpreted as, "actually the moon isn't that beautiful, you are,", “the moon is even prettier because a beautiful soul is by my side looking at the same sky object,”, “What I meant is you’re beautiful”, “What a pleasing night to be in love with someone,”, and so on. The readers can personally interpret it which enriches the meaning. The late Sapardi Djoko Damono, my favorite Indonesian poet, touched on this topic in his ASEAN Literary Festival 2016 interview:

“Poetry is alive because there are various interpretations. If there is only one (interpretation), one-time reading then it's over,” (Sapardi Djoko Damono)

Based on my observation, I agreed with Sapardi’s argument that roundabout expression in poetry makes it more memorable and impactful. The reader needs to pay closer attention to every word and nuance, and is encouraged to have further thoughts and discussions, which lead to a long-lasting impact. After days of understanding the lyrics “I wish you a flight to the vast and bright sky”, the words lingered on my mind and probably will stay there for a long time just like “The moon is beautiful, isn’t it?”. Both made me hold my breath as my heart fluttered. I mean, you can sincerely pray for someone, you can generously praise the moon--but that person needs to figure out that what you mean is “I love you with all my heart”. That kind of expression is beautiful, isn't it?

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*I must applaud the people behind "Flight to You" OSTs as they crafted the lyrics to suit the character's personality. The indirect ways Gu Nanting shows his adoration for Cheng Xiao are even captured in the lyrics. He is definitely the kind of man who stares at you with deep endearment, saying "I wish you a safe flight" and "Your perfect flight is my biggest comfort" while hiding his feelings.

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image source: canva.com

My phone rang at late night when I almost went to bed. A close friend’s name appeared on the screen. When I picked up the call, I noticed how cautious and stammered she was with her words, contrasted with how cheerful she was whenever we talked. Therefore, I prepared myself for the bad news. There must be something unpleasing she wanted to deliver to me.

“Is there something you might find it difficult to tell me?” after quite a chit-chat, I braced myself to find out the reason for the sudden late at-night, unplanned conversation.

“After I tell you, I hope you don’t feel sad. Just ignore it. I just wanted you to know so you are better informed when you need to make a decision.” Her cautiousness was still there.

She heard my quiet affirmation, then proceed,

“So today a friend just asked me about you because she knew we’re close friends. She forwarded a question she had received from another person about you. That friend said that she was asked about whether you are such a woman….. the type of woman who will snatch somebody’s husband." she paused, "I thought after a year ago his wife harshly accused you and you backed down although you were innocent, everything was finished. Turned out it is still an issue till today and even involved more people.” I can hear her voice shaking, “It hurts me to see you receive such cruelty and you kept quiet. It pains me a lot to witness someone with good intentions like you be treated horribly like this. You should defend yourself and fight back.” This time I found a burning anger in her tone.

There was silence as we both wandered around our minds, trying to understand the situation better. My mind recalled a painful memory of me quietly struggling to face a harrowing accusation from a colleague’s wife. Isn't it funny that this time the accusation was made when I am more than three thousand miles away from my home country and no single communication was made with the man in question? 

I inhaled a deep breath. In this world, there are occasions when you know you are right and you don’t feel like explaining. Also, I am the type of person who tried my best to protect other people’s hearts. As much as I can, I don’t want other people to experience pain. However, after a year battled with how deeply I felt wronged, the false claim didn’t stop. I can feel my hands tremble as this unfair blame even recently made me want to visit a psychologist. I was still intensely wounded by what happened a year ago and hearing that his party escalated this issue, even after such a calm response from me when I totally deserved to be angry, got me teary. However, collecting my composure, I answered,

“I swear by the name of Allah, I never had any intention but communicating about the businesses I found necessary. It also hurts me that this is the payback I got from someone for whom my hard work contributed to his name. You know who got the credit for the work I did,” As if resonated with the pain in my heart, I found my voice trembling.

I hardly swear in the name of Allah because I know how significant a thing is if I decided to do it but this time I swore that I never ever had any hidden intention when I texted him but for the matters I found appropriate. And even after the heartless words I received from his wife and he decided not to step up to clear the air (which means he deliberately slaughtered me), I decided to resign from the organization where we worked together. I gave up on a cause I truly care about just because I needed to cut all the ties and walk away. I sacrificed myself because I wanted to protect other people’s hearts and now this is what I got, even after a year of not communicating at all. (In the end, my resignation wasn’t approved but we never ever communicated again so what’s behind the second round of accusations I received this time?).

“But you know, this allegation might damage your reputation. Some people might hear this but never get a chance to clarify it to you or the people around you.” She was back at urged me to speak up.

“I know where your suggestion came from. I am afraid too that people might give me the wrongful tag. Don’t worry. Allah knows. I know you might find my silence annoyed you. However, let’s face this calmly. While indeed I had many shortcomings and mistakes, I know in this case I am in the right position and Allah knows and that’s enough. May Allah elevate my status due to my patience and silence,” I commented, “Remember that you faced things calmly back then even when you were in despair from the accusation someone threw at you? I grew up watching people around me--my family members, my friends, my co-workers being patient--so this is my turn to be patient too,” When I said those words, I realized how strenuous patience is. Tears fell down.

So why didn’t I defend myself? Of course, when the accusation was first made, I felt a range of emotions--anger, frustration, hurt, and confusion. Not to mention how hurtful it is the second time you heard it from the same person. It is definitely tempting to immediately defend myself and try to prove my innocence but I believed that accusations do not necessarily equal guilt. I stayed silent and was patient because I had nothing to hide. I also believed that time would reveal the truth. I knew that if I were innocent, the facts would speak for themselves, and by remaining silent, I was allowing the truth to come to light. It is definitely not an easy decision. It required a lot of self-control and a lot of trust in the process. However, I know that as long as I did nothing wrong, no matter what accusation was being pointed at me, I still have confidence in myself.

It took me a lot of courage to write this since the memory itself gave me enormous trauma. Even typing this post created pools of tears in my eyes. I eventually decided to write this down because, after a year of acceptance, the issue got escalated by that party. I need to write this to help me to heal from the pain I haven’t even healed yet and now is being worsened.

My friends said he owe me a massive apology but I don’t wait for an apology anymore. I want to find a massive courage to forgive anyone that hurt me instead. I want to find inner peace without depending on anyone.

After all, I know Allah knows. For me, it is enough. It is always enough.

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Image by: Thanh Nguyen via Pixabay